UnNews:Pelosi reburbishes office

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11 January 2007

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Nancy Pelosi, announcing her "big plans" for reburbishing her office

WASHINGTON, D. C. - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced the need to reburbish her office, declaring that "as the nation's new leader," she is "entitled to a bigger, better office" than any of her fellow members of the House of Representatives. "Besides," she adds, "the interior decorators inside the Beltway have hideous tastes in decor, furniture, and--well, everything."

She wants to bring a little of her congressional district's art and style to her office, so she's having the interior walls stuccoed. She's also thinking of having the exterior marble walls, which were set in place during the nation's earliest years, replaced with adobe, which, she says, reflects her home district's architectural style much better than "some holdover from ancient Greece." She's a San Franciscan first, an American second, and "an ancient Greek not at all," the Speaker declares.

Among the new decorations for her office are some photographs of the controversial gay photographer Robert Mapplethorpe, one of which shows a bullwhip handle inserted where, President Bush contends, "no man should go, ever." The Speaker also wants to include something, perhaps a portrait of Jennifer Lopez or Charro, which will indicate her indebtedness to the illegal immigrant vote. "Without their patronage, I wouldn't be where I am today," she says.

An aborted fetus inside ambergis will be used as a paperweight, she says, in honor of the Right to Choose faction of her constituency. "For me, as a mother, there's nothing cuter than a dead fetus in amber on ine's desktop," she says.

She will also display condoms on a bonsai tree to show her support for safe sex, especially among preadolescents and teens. "They're going to have sex, and lots of it," the Speaker says, "so they may as well be safe."

Eventually, she hopes to add the stuffed and mounted head of President Bush as "her greatest trophy" and the "clearest indication of my success, both as a Democrat and a woman."

Pelosi has passed a bill to ensure her receipt of the $10 million she estimates will be needed to reburbish her congressional office. "If there's anything left, I'll go shopping," she says.

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