UnNews:Pelosi: "Electing me was a stark blunder"
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Pelosi: "Electing me was a stark blunder"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 27, 2016, 14:16:UTC)(
20 January 2007
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who has single-handedly taken over the House of Representatives, has sponsored legislation to outlaw the Senate, and has called for the arrest and imprisonment of President George Bush, told her constituents they’d made “a stark blunder” in having elected her to Congress.
However, she does like the gavel, she admitted, that comes with the job. “I was surprised that it’s white. I thought it might be mahogany or some other hideous color. White goes with my entire wardrobe, though, so the gavel is a nice accessory rather than an ugly nuisance and helps round out my daily attire.”
One of the speaker’s aides, Betty White, said, “She’s betting that Congress will cut off President Bush’s funds if he sends more troops to Iraq and may even authorize the removal of his genitals. Speaker Pelosi finds his excessive levels of testosterone to be distasteful and unnecessarily masculine. She’s thinking of sponsoring a bill calling for his mandatory and immediate castration.”
First Lady Laura Bush called Pelosi a word too vile for Unnews to repeat, but it starts with “c” and rhymes with “bunt.” “She’s poisonous,” Mrs. Bush added, “and her comments are certainly not in keeping with the bipartisan spirit and civility that the Democrats pledged and that we looked forward to. She’s questioning his machismo instead of his policies.”
Republicans in the House and Senate are seeking to pass a non-binding resolution that would rebuff Pelosi’s call for the president’s emasculation. Some Democrats have agreed to join the rejection of the speaker’s proposal for the elimination “of the president’s organs of testosterone production” if the resolution will limit the removal to only his testicles, leaving the pituitary gland intact. “We want some level of testosterone in our commander in chief,” Sen. John McCain declared, “just not enough to be effective militarily.”
Pelosi has been taken to task by her party’s top leaders, who have called upon her to apologize for her personal attacks on the president. “He’s a man, whatever else he may be,” Sen. Clinton told the speaker, “and, as such, you can’t, especially as a woman, call for the removal of his cajones.”
Sen. Ted Kennedy agreed, as he usually does when Sen. Clinton speaks, breathes, or belches. “Like it or not, Madam Speaker,” he told Pelosi, “there are lots more men--persons with cajones, if you like--than otherwise in both the House and the Senate. None of them will take kindly to your attacks on the president’s manhood, even if they can’t stand him personally.”
As a result of her meetings with Clinton, Kennedy, Obama, and other leading Democrats, Peolosi issued her apology to her constituents, claiming to be they (not she) had made “a stark blunder” in electing her.
Her rhetoric had the desired result, political commentator Dick Morris said. Her constituents rallied behind her, saying that it was Bush, McCain, Clinton, Kennedy, Osama, and others who made “a stark blunder,” not them and certainly not Nancy Pelosi.
“I’m a compassionate person, and I forgive them,” the speaker said, receiving cheers and applause from her voters.