UnNews:Peace freaks win bid for alternative to Space Shuttle
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Peace freaks win bid for alternative to Space Shuttle
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 16:42:UTC)(
6 July 2006
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CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- Lockheed Martin Space Systems is running scared now that a secret Leftist program to exploit space has been unveiled. The HOV or Hippie Orbital Vehicle, is expected to out-perform the existing Space Shuttle at considerably reduced cost. It's believed that a well-trained crew injesting the correct combination of hallucinogens can use their "high" as impetus to lift the HOV up and out of the atmosphere.
Unscrupulous entrepreneurs have bid on marijuana sales to NASA, passing off so-called "white chronic" as an incredible strain of Cannibis Sativa. NASA's Chief Hallucinogenic research scientist, Claude Spasky, explained, "These punks, they can't give the plant an extra week or two to mature, so the so-called buds they pick are actually white at picking. These are low in THC and cannibinoids, with the only possible redemming factor is an arguably better taste. Also, they're trying to pass a heartier Cannibis Indica as Sativa, which is a huge no-no in engineering. Indica can get you really stoned, but it's notorious for it's side-effect of drowsiness. The importance of using of Sativa exclusively as fuel cannot be be overstated. It'd be a major bummer if the flight captain passed out short of reaching orbital velocity, man."'
Producers of the sitcom, MR. ROGER'S GODDAMN HIPPIE NEIGHBORS, were the major contributors to this private sector bid for NASA funding by a privately owned company. The "technicolour motor home" has only been able to achieve an altitude in the tens of metres thus far, but scientists at Timothy Leary Memorial Hospital and Research Facility are confident they will create acid powerful enough to reach escape velocity.
- Moonbeam Jasmine Cartographer "How high can you really get?". The New York Times, Sports, July 6, 2006