UnNews:Paulson encourages banks to generate more bad loans
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
22 September 2008
WASHINGTON - US Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson has found that there is not enough bad credit on the whole planet to fill his "mother of all bailouts" programme. Consequently, he now actively promotes the creation of more subprime mortgages, hail mary bonds and ridiculous derivatives.
"There seems to be a misunderstanding about the size of the bailout" Paulson said in an interview with UnNews. "The press seems to think that the programme is limited to $700 billion. But there is a little detail most forget to add. The bailout programme is limited to $700 billion at any one time. Within the framework of the decision, I can for example do the following: buy $700 billion of trash loans from my old pals of Goldman Sachs at 100 cents to the dollar today, sell them to some optimistic parties at 5 cents to the dollar tomorrow, and then buy another $700 billion of garbage from any other troubled bank of my choice. The 700 billion is not a one-time expenditure, it's a credit line. We created the credit card of the millennium. But, the great thing about America is that we have this money printing machine. We ask the machine for an amount, for instance, 20 trillion USD, it prints it!". By the next year, things will go even better, as the money printing machine will be substituted by a slot machine, located at the FED headquarters. Every morning, a blind monkey will operate the slot machine and the FED will know the exact amount of money to be printed that day. For example, when the machine will display three cherries, the FED will print 30 trillion dollars and so on...
While the sum of all bad credit on earth is already bigger than the solar system, at such a rate it will be exhausted within weeks, and Paulson desperately needs banks to find millions of new borrowers so that the flow of suicide debt can be sustained. Of course he can substitute some of the credit with other stupid investments. He already announced that for the time being, any sort of moronic decision by any banker will be solidly backed by tax dollars until finally confidence in the markets returns. "By making sure that banker bonuses are paid no matter what, we show that the world financial system is healthy and reliable in any circumstances."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|