UnNews:Paul McCartney turns 70
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Paul McCartney turns 70
We distort, you deride
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 17:40:UTC)(
18 June 2012
LIVERPOOL, UK -- With some stressful times seemingly behind him, Paul McCartney can wake up on the 18th of June with a happy smile, he still doesn't look that bad considering his advanced age.
His seemingly perfect match in wife Nancy Shevell, has brought a fitting end to recent times of unhappiness. In 1997, Linda, his wife of 28 years passed away, leaving Paul obviously devastated. Their happy marriage was a rare occurrence in showbiz. He then met his second wife, Heather, which left him devastated further as she was very much alive throughout the marriage. Now, with marriage number three, we here at UnNews have a good feeling that Nancy will still be at Paul's side until he begins to dribble - that is, if he hasn't already started to?
With news recently that the Stones are to finally call it a day next year, this may well be Paul's perfect time to take it easy. With a fifty year career behind him and a fortune of half a billion no matter what the currency is, Paul will be able to retire gracefully. He can reminisce to himself, be proud of his music and afford plenty of Kleenex for the dribbling.
So just what exactly is it about Paul McCartney which makes him so unique? We jetted across the Atlantic and up to Liverpool to talk with anyone who might remember him from the early days of the Beatles. After countless people with nice middle fingers we find an elderly gentleman in his 90's, who in fact, turns out to be John Lennon's former master at school. I ask Stan if he can remember Paul McCartney? "That bastard Lennon owes me 6 pence, never got it back" - We give Stan a gift to cover the debt. - "That bastard Lennon owes me 6 pence" - Realizing we are not going to get anywhere with Stan we decide to find Paul's old home.
We feel very funny in our journalist tummies as we stand outside the home where Paul and John used to get together, somehow we can feel the magic in the air, rain mostly. We have lunch in a cafe and discuss our next move. Liverpool has changed so much since the Beatles time that our visit to the Cavern club after lunch doesn't impress us, the bricks are the same but in the wrong order and in the wrong place! We head over to the Council office to enquire as to why the original Cellar was filled in? - "We knocked the building down above it and it fell into the cellar, we just filled it in after" - Nice, well done Cultural Capital. Is there anyone in Liverpool who can remember The Beatles who isn't crazy and old and who didn't destroy caverns? A lady at the Beatles museum suggests Pete Best, the original drummer for the Beatles! Hmm...nah.
So what will the birthday boy be getting today? UnNews will be sending a hollow potato bass guitar for a start but what does Paul McCartney want most in the world we wonder? Whether it's Viagra or to just stay standing generally, we wish him a very happy 70th birthday! "For he's a jolly good fellow..." He genuinely is.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|