UnNews:Paul Christoforo's Presidential Campaign Gains Momentum

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28 December 2011

Paul-pool

Paul is seen here relaxing in the warm waters of Kepler-22b with his stylish billion-dollar rolex during his "You alien lifeforms are so amateur" tour of the western spiral arm.

Pimpville, California -- Paul Christoforo's rise to power was assured today by his continued braggadocio regarding his personal and business connections with the Illuminati, time travelers and creatures from Gary Gygax's "Monster Mythology". Telling it like it is, Paul reminded his hordes of followers to "Put on your big boy hat, wait it out and vote for Paul in 2012 with prepayment and a 100% discount - you complete morons!". Paul's recent strategy of insulting consumers and wearing an asshat has also caught on with major marketing firms, who have fired their divisions responsible for traditional feline-based marketing and replaced them with teams of angry men with amphetamine and steroid addictions who must meet the monthly objective of selling a trillion units of "Big Boy" brand headgear and voting accessories to get their drugs.

The Illuminati have broken their silence to clarify that they mostly do not endorse anything Paul says but the brain-replacement techniques they have perfected over the years should work on anybody elected in 2012. But several time-travelers popped into existence today to deny any contact with Paul and pleaded for a return to sanity in the hopes of averting the destruction of the human race. In spite of these developments, Paul's selection of Juiblex as his running mate and workout partner has caused a rabid white froth to spill out of the sides of the mouths of the media from the anticipation of finally getting to interview the mythological creature while it works out on a bowflex.

In other news, everybody's worst email correspondence was made public by Google today.

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