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16 Oct 2018

Paul Allen

Micorsoft co-founder Paul Allen, doing what he does best.

THURSTON HOWELL, Washington -- Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft and famed creator of the Blue Screen of Death, has died at age 65. Tributes continue to pour in from governments able to spy on their citizens using the backdoors left in the various versions of Windows operating systems. However, accounting firm KPMG has announced that Allen's fortune, estimated to be over $20 billion, has completely disappeared.

KPMG spokesperson Jacob Marley stated, "As much as it seems unlikely, our preliminary audits show that, somehow, Paul Allen was able to take it [the money] with him. There is no evidence of theft, no evidence of any transfers of funds or assets. Everything is just gone." The Allen-owned Seattle Seahawks football team has been reported missing. While his Portland Trailblazers basketball team and soccer's Seattle Sounders FC are nowhere to be found, nobody has bothered to report them missing.

This is not the first time Allen money has disappeared. His Ticketmaster company, famed for jacking up concert ticket prices, failed in its monopoly attempt and was fined heavily. Somehow that company sued Microsoft, not the first time someone has tried to sue themselves. Ticketmaster then suffered a data breach in the UK with over 40,000 credit card records lost. Card companies deny any relation to the coincidental estimated 40,000 Amazon shipments made to North Korea. Allen's cable operator Charter Communications went into Chapter 11 bankruptcy, leaving investors $8 billion poorer. Several other corporations moved overseas or shut their doors to avoid the "Allen Touch".

Most of his charitable contributions remain up in the air, with many consisting of pledges rather than cold hard cash. One charity that is notable is the Paul Allen Symphony Orchestra, completely funded by Allen. It provided free concerts, albeit only to people named Paul Allen who also owned large boats. Another is the Paul Allen Health Research Project, providing free medical care, albeit only for people named Paul Allen born on January 21, 1953. A renowned philanthropist, Paul Allen has been reported to have given up to 0.01% of his total fortune to charity.

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates also has reported missing assets at the same time. "Paul always said I was a sucker for giving away all my Microsoft money, so I guess he took what he thought was his fair share. I should have known something was up when I heard the beeping of cash registers and maniacal laughter last night. So much for those damned Bitcoin wallets, huh?"

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