UnNews:Patriots are still cheating
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Patriots are still cheating
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 18, 2017, 12:38:UTC)(
21 September 2015
BUFFALO, New York -- After two weeks of a new NFL football season in which referees are to obsess over the inflation of the game footballs, the results are in and the New England Patriots are obviously still cheating.
The NFL employed the most scrupulous procedures in history to ensure that all 24 game balls — including the twelve that the rules let discredited Patriots quarterback Tom Brady prepare exactly as he likes them — tested between 12½ and 13½ psi, or roughly 11 psi above the level he prefers.
Despite the total inability to use his key secret advantage to control the game by flouting the rules, Brady completed 38-of-59 for 466 yards, including three touchdowns, and the key cases of gridiron incontinence involved Buffalo Bills dropping Buffalo balls. Asked to comment, Brady stated, "We threw the ball a lot." On the work of his teammates, Brady opined, "They played great." These remarks confirm that there were a lot of passes, and that the Pats won.
Bills coach Rex Reed was more incisive. The hosts were ready for the test, inviting the Guinness Book of World Records to Wild Wings with their decibelometer to measure a crowd that would set a record for doing what Buffalo residents do best (at least during the two months without snow): being noisy and uncouth. They succeeded with flying colors, though after both of his own touchdown catches, Julian Edelman signaled the crowd to put a sock in it, and they meekly ended their pursuit of fame. Reed, however, had not gotten the message. His own post-game analysis was: "AAAAAAAA!"
Assuming Patriots coach Bill Belichick will dish comparable pablum at the post-game news feed, the public can only conclude that, moments after reform of the inflation rules, the Pats have found a new and even more sinister way to cheat.
In separate news, locker-room ball boys John Jastremski and Jim "The Deflator" McNally have been called back to work. The Pats suspended them last year in the wake of Deflate-gate and had them met with lawyers for the NFL assisting in the independent production of the Wells Report, under rules of engagement even more demanding than Bill Clinton's three-paragraph legal definition of "Is," as they alone could answer:
- Whether Brady pressured them into helping him cheat by yelling at them and giving them autographed game-worn jockstraps, or
- Whether two junior wannabees spontaneously conspired to break the rules during the second most important game of the year with no one else's knowledge or approval.
Unfortunately, shortly after this brief interview, both fled to some place called New Hampshire which no one knows where it is, so they could not be called back for further questions. The team announced that the pair were not scapegoats, hours after Federal District Court threw out the NFL's discipline against the Patriots. Terms of the suspension, which the NFL had no hand in, required the NFL to approve any reinstatement, which it did after interviewing the two, but it apparently didn't ask for any clarification, either; and the only condition it put on their re-hiring is that they not be allowed anywhere near a toilet at any time before or during league games.
Among the newsmakers in the 2016 campaign for U.S. President, surging socialist Bernie Sanders (D-VT) went on The Late Show and addressed the federal crisis of Super Bowl Inequality. He said that, mostly through no fault of their own, many NFL teams are discriminated against — or shut out entirely — from the American Dream, if measured in Super Bowl rings. This while the Patriots form a virtual monopoly over them, unfairly benefitting the billionaire Kraft family, and disadvantaging the billionaire families that run the other 31 franchises.
Sen. Sanders brought statistics to support his cause. He said, "It is a moral outrage that the top one-tenth of 1 percent of Americans participate more in Super Bowls than the bottom 90 percent." He noted that Washington does not set the NFL rules, but said, "It's time Americans demand that government start working for all of us, not just the few."
- Adam Kurkjian "Tom Brady on 40-32 win over Bills: 'We threw the ball a lot'". Boston Herald, September 20, 2015
- Mike Florio "Source: Pats have requested reinstatement of Jastremski and McNally". NBC Sports, September 9, 2015
- Staff "Bernie Sanders joins Stephen Colbert on “The Late Show” Friday". Associated Press, September 19, 2015