UnNews:Pat Robertson announces the start of his 30-day ‘Abstinence from Christianity’ campaign
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Pat Robertson announces the start of his 30-day ‘Abstinence from Christianity’ campaign
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 10:25:UTC)(
14 April 2008
Virginia Beach, Virginia-Renowned fundamentalist Republican and professional bigot Pat Robertson announced at a press conference in the headquarters of the Christian Broadcasting Network yesterday morning that he would be starting what he called a 30-day ‘Abstinence from Christianity’ campaign as a commiseration with the entire non-Christian population of the world.
‘It’s kind of like a hunger strike,’ said Robertson. ‘Generally I don’t do that kinda stuff - apparently it doesn’t involve collecting a fund I can steal from - but this is one abstinence campaign I really think needs to be done. I need to feel the pain and suffering of non-Christians who have not yet submitted their lives to the glory of our lord Jesus H. Christ.’
Robertson stated that, for the following thirty days, he would abstain from all Christian-related activities, including prayer, church attendance and Bible reading, and would indulge liberally in activities generally considered ‘non-Christian’, including regular use of drugs, alcohol and prostitutes.
‘I’ll do this to gain full knowledge of the miserable lives anyone who doesn’t blindly and unquestioningly follow every last doctrine of fundamentalist Christianity must lead,’ said Robertson. ‘I’ll be kinda like That One Guy from that documentary who eats a shitload of unhealthy food and proves that McDonalds is bad for you, or something. Except that that documentary was part of a mass liberal conspiracy to destroy capitalism and…well, anyway, I’ll be proving a lot.’
Robertson also stated that during this time he would attend several science conferences on evolution and attempt to read Charles Darwin’s ‘The Origin of Species’ in order to, according to Robertson ‘get a first hand account of Satan’s influence on such Godless subjects.’
Robertson stated that the campaign would officially begin at 12 o’clock noon that day and was scheduled to end on May 15 ‘unless I feel like lengthening it-just to ensure I’ve gotten the full experience’.
Robertson’s announcement drew considerable praise from several other prominent American fundamentalists. Famed conservative columnist Ann Coulter, who was present at the press conference, was quoted as saying ‘Pat’s brave endeavour is just the thing we need in this world so drenched in Godlessness,’ and ‘If Pat ever needs some assistance experiencing the sinfulness of coitus, I’d be happy to join him in his brave new quest to cleanse the world of those goddamned liberals.’
At 12 o’clock midnight that same day, several UnNews reporters met Robertson in a gay bar, smoking cannabis while being fellated by a gay prostitute. When asked to comment on the first twelve hours of his new campaign, Robertson is quoted as having said ‘Dude…I’m being blown off by Jesus, dude! Oh, Praise Christ for blowjobs!’
Robertson also asked UnNews to notify that, for the purposes of the internet chatrooms he was currently visiting, his email address would be temporarily changed to email@example.com.