UnColumns:Pat Boone warns: "Christians, here come the lions!"
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
23 June 2009
WARNING: This column is written for, and addressed to, America's Christians only. Well, maybe devout Jews too, as long as they're Christians, but no one else. People of other faiths, or no particular faith at all, probably won't comprehend the looming danger or see anything to be concerned about. Also, no Catholics. No Jehovah's Witnesses, neither...and don't even get me started about Mormons. This is a three alarm, calling all cars, red alert wake-up call for people who are serious about their Judeo-Christian religion. The end of our religious freedom in America could be at hand.
(Editorial reprinted without the express written permission of WorldNetDaily or Pat Mother-Fuckin' Boone)
editCan you believe it? I mean, seriously, can you believe what's going on here?
In "...the land of the free, the home of the brave...", the one country in human history whose original purpose was to create and preserve absolute religious freedom for all? The nation whose foundational documents, the Declaration of Independence and Constitution, and subsequently the Bill of Rights, specifically guaranteed that government would absolutely keep its grubby hands off its citizens' freedom to exercise their faith however, whenever and wherever they choose? The Founding Fathers, descended from our Founding Grandfathers, the Puritans, made America into the USA with the specific intent of allowing us Judeo-Christians, less the "Judeo", to do what ever we want, and there's nothing that the government can do about it! Nothing! Moo ha-ha! If I want to park in the crippled space outside the Piggly Wiggly, I can. Screw you, crippled sinner! There's a reason that the front entrance of churches have stairs. You think your profane wheelchair decal beats my sacred Jesus fish one? In the words of the Apostle Paul in his Third Epistle to El Paso, "Not. Bloody. Likely." Like him, I work for Jesus. If you did too, you wouldn't be all gimpy and weak, flopping there on the ground, whining about me running over your crutches or seeing eye dog or whatever. You get a special parking space just for being a useless retard while I don't get one for being right with the Lord? That's a little thing we call "oppression".
I've always been awed by the incredible courage of the early Christians, many of whom thought of themselves as Jews, except that the other Jews (who also thought of themselves as Jews) didn't accept them as Jews because they (the Jews who were Jews and didn't think that Jesus was much of a Jew, due to his Christianity) thought that the Jews (who were Christians but thought of themselves as Christians who were Jews) were really Christians after all, and not Jews as they (the Jews who were Christians) thought. Human beings just like us, bound up in their sandy desert cultures as we are in ours, America, who became willing to sacrifice everything – including their very lives – rather than repudiate or abandon their faith in God. They were tortured and persecuted in so many ways, but I think the most terrifying trials came in the Colosseum in Rome when Christian men and women were herded out into the arena, sometimes tied to posts, and left to be torn to pieces and devoured by ravenous lions or lionous ravens (my editor tells me "lionous" is not a word. Oppression!). Christians, all forty thousand of them, were considered such a great danger to Rome, and its millions of Romish (again, my editor is telling me that I "...can't just make up words"), that the Romish only put Christians in the Colosseum. Even the lions were Christians.
I still shudder when I imagine myself one of those fervent believers, just wanting to worship and serve God as I believe He wants me to, being strapped down, naked, thousands of eyes staring as I stand erect, proud in my firm manhood, forced to face the unreasoning, snarling beasts that will literally devour me, literally, just because of my professed faith. I'm thankful to be living here and now instead of there and then. For one thing, now I'm not poor and stinky and dumb and poor and eaten by lions and ravens, like the early Christians were. For another, I'm Pat Mother-Fuckin' Boone!
But now that time is seeming less distant, even though it's more distant than it's ever been! It's like a riddle or something! Our new "president", Barack Hussein Obama, his "administration" (that he "appointed", because he's the "president" after "winning" the "election"), a so-called "Congress" and much of the judiciary ruled by ultra-liberal, "progressive" and "humanistic" men and "women" (most of whom, disgustingly, are completely naked under their robes, while the remainder, disgustingly, are completely naked under the clothing that they wear under their robes), egged on and abetted by the ACLU (the Anti-Christian's Liberty Union), are actively making plans and devising bills that will force Christians to either obey the new laws, or be fined, jailed – or who knows? Perhaps physically punished, imprisoned, or worse. They are even planning on taking away our birthdays, just for disobeying unnamed and unwritten laws that only exist in the fertile imaginations of right thinking Christians like yours truly!
You think I'm exaggerating? Think again. The last thing that I would do is mess with you. I'm Pat Mother-Fuckin' Boone! In 1956 I was bigger than the Beatles were in 1966!
editHey, remember when public school teachers forced kids to pray? After the Courts stopped that, broads and negroes got all uppity for their so-called "civil rights". Coincidence?
We've already surrendered the freedom for our children be told to pray by their teachers and school administrators, taking time out of such subjects as good ol' American History, in public schools. Teachers have been fired and students expelled for simply daring to mention God in the classroom or praying before a game. American Law, like America, is built on the foundation of the Ten Commandments, but the "humanists" have removed Judges from the bench because those big-balled Judges had the big balls to portray them in the courtroom or in front of the courthouse. Sometimes these Judges even displayed the Ten Commandments! Soon, the heathens plan to change the First Amendment, get this, to allow religious freedom to apply to other so-called "religions", like Atheism and those ones that the slants follow, with their funny lookin' "temples" filled with imaginary oogy-boogy spirits and pixies and crap.
Just four years ago, the liberal-activist 9th Circuit Court agreed with one angry Atheist that the two words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance are unconstitutional, based on a tortured reading of the Constitution and Constitutional Court cases on the Constitution where the words in them, the Constitution and the Constitutional Court cases on the Constitution mean what they say, and forbade schools in nine Western states, like Oregon, Seattle and Normandy, to let kids say it as we all have since America was founded at Plymouth by the Puritans in 1954. That odious verdict was reversed, but the battle goes on. And make no mistake, this is a war, but with words and emotions and starkly partisan rhetoric instead of violence, explosions and vaguely homoerotic comradery. The ACLU is intimidating cities, counties and states to remove all crosses and scriptures and Christian emblems and Christians from buildings everywhere in the country, leaving only those in place that are considered "historical", simply because they've been there for a century or more instead of being something that Judge Roy Moore put up over the weekend. What could possibly more historic than some God-breathed scripture or a symbol of the instrument of our immortal God's torture and death? The ACLU is why you never see giantly enormous crosses by the side of the highway anymore. "Humanists" don't think America has any room for enormous, tax-exempt idols to my (and your) idol, only their idols, like schools and libraries and shit.
editAs you read this, "They" are teaching your kids about stuff!
While school boards and the NEA are falling all over themselves to teach grade school kids about sex, make condoms available to teens and mandate courses that, get this, don't teach that hot, gay mansex is an abomination – all the while seeking to assure that nobody mentions Jesus or God – these same powerful folks make accommodations for Muslim students and their "God", Allah, providing prayer rooms and "time outs" so they can practice their religion in between classes on their own time! More and more schools, bowing to pressure, are adding courses for American Christian kids to "...learn more about Islam." All I needed to know about Islam I learned in the Bible. That's right: nothing!
Back in Washington, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, like Teddy Kennedy, John Kerry, Arnold Schwarzenegger and other Catholics in government, absolutely defies the teachings of her own church and comes under condemnation of the pope – to promote homosexuality and abortion "rights" and to oppose school -mandated prayer by our kids in school and the protection of the two words "under God" in our Pledge of Allegiance! Why does she still bother to call herself Catholic? Worse, while she's not a good Catholic...she is not even a Protestant at all!
In the last few days, Pelosi has actually declared her support for illegal aliens (they may become Democrat voters, except for the 90% of them who are conservative Catholics who'll vote for God's Party, the Republicans, but they're Catholics and who gives a damn about Catholics anyways and sometimes I get this wicked ringing in my ears and then I black out and I wake up later with blood on my hands and a dead hooker in my freezer and can somebody get that damn phone?!), and also said she feels that prosecuting or deporting illegal aliens in this country is "un-American"! Doesn't she know that "Give us your tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free" expired after, get this, foreigners started coming here? To America, of all places!
Meanwhile, are you aware that June 1, President Obama, who has declared that America is "no longer a Christian nation", even though it is because I say so and anyone who disagrees is a dirty liar, and who declined to take part in any National Day of Prayer activities (choosing to keep his false religion, Muslimism, to himself. Typical Muslim!), issued a Presidential Proclamation making the whole month of June Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Month in America? Imagine a whole month devoted to taking it up the ass! It's so horrible that I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard I try, even when I'm masturbating! If anything, thinking about it just makes my masturbation more frantic! Go to the White House website and read "our" president's celebration of sodomy for yourself. Better yet, just take my word for it, only listening to my version. Why? Because I had a chart-topping hit in 1956 called I Almost Lost My Mind.
Finally, if Pelosi, Kennedy, Reid, Obama, et al., have their way, they will pass legislation that will stifle all conservative talk in media and even make preaching clear scripture so-called "hate speech" if it disagrees with so-called "political correctness" as they define it. That will mean that you, fellow True Christian, not only will not be allowed to drag a fag into the alley and kick the shit out of him, you won't even be allowed to incite your friends to do it!
Christians, should we be surprised? The Apostle Paul told us 2,000 years ago:
For we have great joy and consolation in thy love, because the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother. ~ Phm 1:7
And, even more dramatically:
Ye are not straitened in us, but ye are straitened in your own bowels. ~ 2Cr 6:12
I know, we don't like to think that dire prophecies like these could actually be fulfilled in our day, in our blessed country. The real nightmare is that fellow Americans could actually turn on us in these blatantly obvious ways – corrupting our traditional, constitutionally protected way of life. We keep thinking that somehow "...people will come to their senses", that "...everything will work out all right" and "...that guy in the car in front of mine has been signaling left for the past five God damn blocks! Fucking turn already!" But just a couple weeks ago in San Diego, misguided police threatened to arrest Christians who were conducting Bible studies in their home, simply because they were so-called "inconveniencing" their so-called "neighbors" by talking loudly all day, blocking "their" parking spaces in "their" driveways and in one case dinging one of "their" cars! Only an uproar by Christians and local officials saved the day, guaranteeing the Right guaranteed by the First Amendment for Christians to exercise their guaranteed liberty to infringe on the liberty of others. This horrible attempt by the Police State to oppress us is exactly the same as that which the early Christians experienced when they were being eaten by the early Christian lions.
Like it or not, believe it or not, ready or not, the End Times seem to be drawing near. For real this time! And unless we Christians exercise our freedoms and our faith, collectively, unapologetically and openly, in the faces of those who don't believe what we believe, using the Legislative, Execuslative and Judislative branches of government to force them to shut the hell up, we will most certainly be facing different, though still savage and deadly, lions.