UnNews:Pastafarian uprising stuns Middle East
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Pastafarian uprising stuns Middle East
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 06:31:UTC)(
11 August 2006
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BINT JBAIL, Lebanon (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- An uprising by zealous new converts to Pastafarianism has poured petrol on the burning man that is the Middle East, baffling Israeli soldiers, dismaying Hezbollah guerrillas and bringing about the imposition of martial law from Algeria to Iran.
The unexpected explosion of violence from the normally peaceful if somewhat smug followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was at its most intense in southern Lebanon, where berserk bands of Pastafarians in full pirate regalia attacked both Israeli and Hezbollah combatants with cutlasses and flintlock pistols.
One of the first Israeli casualties of the Pastafarian assault was Corporal Irving Goldstein of the 44th Kvetching Brigade, who suffered a deep cutlass gash to his head from a Pastafarian he identified as an old school friend named Shlomo Gertz.
"I couldn't believe it," said a visibly shaken Goldstein. "My squad was having a shootout with these Hezbollah putzes when all of a sudden all these fakakte pirates came out of nowhere. I shot about six of them but they just kept coming.
"One of them cut my head open with a sword. I fell over backwards and had blood in my eyes and all I could hear was the pirate laughing. Then he said 'Mazel tov, motherfucker' and I recognised his voice.
"I said 'Shlomo, you shmendrick, what the hell do you think you're doing?' He said 'I'm Pastafarian now and all you Jew bastards are going to die. We're reclaiming Mount Sinai for the Spaghetti Monster.'
"I said, 'Shlomo, you schmuck, Mount Sinai is in Egypt, not Lebanon. Didn't you take geography? Oh, that's right, you kept cutting class to schtup that shikse from the kibbutz. You always did think with your schlong.'
"He just shrugged and said 'Whatever' and he was about to give me the coup de grace when he noticed the Hezbollah rocket launcher I'd been trying to get to in the first place and went running towards that, saying he had to protect the lives of his Bolognese Brothers in Haifa.
"Just wait 'til I tell my mother and she calls Mrs Gertz."
In Iraq, converts to Pastafarianism, which became an overnight sensation in the Middle East after being featured on al-Jazeera, fought pitched battles with American and Iraqi troops, Sunni insurgents, Shi'ite militias and Kurdish taxi drivers. The governments of Egypt, Jordan, Syria and Iran instituted martial law to try to bring an end to the gaily-clad carnage.
The Worldwide Communion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster issued a fatwah against the violence, saying Pastafarians must respect all faiths, especially intelligent design. And that martyrs don't get to shag their choice of Keira Knightley or Johnny Depp.