UnNews:Particle Decelerator test run proves successful
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Particle Decelerator test run proves successful
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 03:39 (UTC)
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6 January 2010
DALLAS, Texas -- In the world of physics, we never much hear about issues like faith and the veracity of the Bible. The Faith-based Scientific Institute for the Praising of the Lord, whose stated mission is to "prove that the Bible is a superior source of knowledge to scientific inquiry alone", is out to show those smug atheists that Darwin was mistaken, man walked with the dinosaurs, and fooling around with subatomic particles is dangerous, and possibly Satanic.
This last issue has been taken up by a small group of experimental physicists, who are building a machine to counter the effects of such evil projects as the Large Hadron Collider. "Arrogant, mostly-European, self-important scientists are talking about discovering the "God particle"! Aside from being blasphemous, everybody knows that smashing protons together at near light speed is evil," says Marcus DeVein, chemistry instructor at St. Mark Community College near Dallas, and lead scientist for the Institute. "We aim to counter the Satanic effects of the bigger particle accelerators by running a particle decellerator."
After a couple of false starts, the Small Hadron Decollider has gone online and run tests to see if black hole creation could be prevented. "We certainly can't have the world destroyed by a runaway black hole, or something equally sinister, before the Apocalypse can properly begin, can we? That's our mission, to prevent arrogant men from superceding God's will," says Pastor Mitzi Genadige, chaplain of the Institute.