A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 04:07:UTC)(
edit Paris Prepares for Eleventh Consecutive Night of Brutality
edit Gynecologists on standby
by Charles Á La Gation
not a Frenchman
PARIS: THE FRENCH capital grabs its ankles tonight as officials say the waves of violence in the Clichy-sous-Bois suburbs are now "unavoidable". This follows Minister of the Interior Nicolas Sarkozy laying the blame for the rioting squarely on the residents of Clichy-sous-Bois, labelling them as "scum", a statement which has led many members of the opposition to call for his resignation.
UnNews caught up with Charles Du-Temp-en-Temp, Shadow Minister of Hermetically-Sealed Dairy Goods on the outskirts of the Capital. He said; "Certainly, we are worried about the violence escalating. I have no doubt that Monsieur Sarkozy's actions earlier in the week have only fanned the flames of hatred in Clichy-sous-bois."
Mr Sarkozy denies these allegations, despite being caught on Thursday attempting to flee from the scene of one burnt-out Renault Espace. Police officers later confirmed he was found in possession of an outboard motor for a small speedboat, and "a Broadsheet edition of 'Le Monde', folded many times into a fan-like shape; the style favoured by hardened arsonists."
The "scum" accusations, coupled with fresh outbreaks of rioting in other cities across France has caused many to question just what sort of country Dominique de Villepin (PM) is trying to run here. He says "The concepts of freedom, botherhood and civil unrest are central to the liberty of our country. Dissidence and revolting behaviour are what makes France what it is". Few would disagree.
At 2000 hours yesterday, we were able to catch up with one such noble Frenchman Saïd Fred as he prepared to engage in more violence on the streets of Paris. He spoke in very fluent yet broken English as he filled wine bottles with gasoline in his apartment. "We have nothing here. There are no jobs, no opportunities, the police target you just because they think that if you come from round here, you're up to no good. We're not given a chance in life, so we've decided that we're going to go out and take our chances instead."
Saïd explained his controversial decision to riot in the traditional French style of black and white; "It is ironic: the government don't see us as "real" French, so we're going to use all of their own cliché against them. It is also very symbolic, you know. Not just of the race issue, but the very idea of Them and Us, Right and Wrong, everything. The only times we'll use colour are during moments of police brutality and extreme poignancy - we expect this to heighten the emotive content of the rioting."
At 2200 hours, police in full riot gear lined the streets of Paris and performed a sort of ritualistic tribal dance in an attempt to goad the rioters into making a mistake. Just ten minutes later, a mob of about 200 hooligans broke rank and charged the left flank of the static Police infantry. Casualties were high on both sides, leaving the survivors to assess the cost of the brutality after the warring ended. However, few could argue now that the true victim here is basic humanity and goodwill.
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Anti-France commentator Bill O'Reilly could not be reached for comment on this story, but is rumoured to be masturbating to the scenes of carnage throughout the European Nation. However, as he was previously asked about main causes of discontent in France, O'Reilly had this to say: "It's probable because of all the french living there. I was frenchified once. I took it from a chick in Baltimore, who spoke in tongues."
Global Advice to France for avoiding the riots
Based on Civilization II, France should avoid riots in Paris by:
- Changing the name of the city, to Moscow.
- Nuking the smelly snail eating perverts & avoid giving them any sort of cake
- Turn more of their people into entertainers. (Be like Elvis, oh yeah!)
- Build a temple, cathedral, police station, coliseum, or some other enhancement to make more people happy.
- Increase the number of troops occupying their city that the rioters are in.
- Build one of the world wonders that makes people happy.
- Alternatively, invade Italy and capture one of its many world wonders.
- Start a war in the middle-east to divert attention.
- Declare the "free week in the bordellos" or organize a naked hooker parade under the slogan "make love, not war".
- Use settlers or engineers to build more roads and railway tracks as well as more mines or irrigation.
- Establish a route of trade to another city to bring in more money.
- Visit one of the other six nations in the game, and ask them for a hand-out.