|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
7 June 2007
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THE VIPER ROOM, Thursday (U! News) — Celebrity heirhead Paris Hilton has been voted out of jail after serving just three full days of her sentence due to protests from other prisoners.
"Honest to God," said multiple murderer "Big" Bertha Fister, "she opened her mouth and I could feel my brain being sucked out my ears." Intrepid action scientists found that the "stupid rays" could project through the concrete walls almost unimpeded.
Hilton's sentence started Sunday night, after initial delays when no veterinary surgeon could be found willing to conduct a cavity search. There were also lengthy arguments over whether she would be permitted the fingerpaints to write her prison diary.
Hilton has now been "reassigned" to house arrest and mental quarantine after extensive consultation with the Center for Disease Control. She will be "confined to her kennel" and must stay on her leash at all times, according to Big Brother of the Endemol Sheriff's Department. She will not be allowed out to social functions where she might speak or interact with others, for their mental safety.
The evening before she was jailed, Hilton made a surprise appearance at the MTV Movie Awards, where she "worked the red carpet" in a gownless designer evening strap.
- Kathy Hilton "My Daughter Is Not A Coldsore Upon The Face Of Humanity". And Justice For Most Press Agency, June 7, 2007