UnNews:Paris Hilton to run for Pope
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Paris Hilton to run for Pope
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 24, 2016, 13:53:UTC)(
18 June 2007
NEW YORK, New York -- Following her recent stint in prison, Hotel Heiress Paris Hilton believes God has given her another chance, in the form of becoming a candidate in the 2008 Hilton claims God has given her a new chance and she plans to stop acting "dumb" and put her influence to good use."If I became Pope, it would be, like, so cool. I wouldn't get arrested anymore, because I'd be, like, totally the Pope. They'd be all "Ooh Paris, we're gonna arrest you." And I'd be all "I'm the Pope, bitch. You cannot arrest me." Oh, and I could, like, solve world hunger, which is real easy because all you need is food..."
The socialite has not yet revealed her election strategy, although speculation involves a paddling pool and little or no clothing to persuade the College of Cardinals which elects the Pope. When questioned on whether she thought her previous employment as a cheap hooker would hurt her campaign, "I wasn't just cheap! I was free," she said cheerfully. "I'm a giving person," she said seriously.
"I was going to be a doctor," Hilton said "but all that school and blood and stuff." "If they get rid of all the school and blood and stuff, I'd still do it. Plus, I could be Pope."
There have also been plans to revamp the customary white robe for a new "more fashionable" matching lingerie set as what she calls, "holy," because it has holes in it.