UnNews:Paris Hilton takes up finger painting

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8 June 2007

Parmaster

From one of Paris Hilton’s master 'pieces'; she’s “quite good, actually,” says H. R. Giger "but it does, kind of, well... smell."

LYNWOOD, CA - Prior to her rescue on June 7, 2007, as her team of attorneys worked around the clock to free Paris Hilton, who had been trapped inside the Century Regional Detention Center, a Lynwood, California jail, since Sunday, the hotel heiress took up finger painting to pass the time of day, despite the facts that her environment, which she describes as “stark and Spartan,” was devoid of color and paint and canvas and other artistic materials and equipment were hard to come by, even for a woman of her wealth and celebrity.

“I would prefer to have worked in oils or even acrylics,” Hilton confessed, “but they were unavailable there.”

By “there,” the emaciated willowy “celebudante,” as she is known to the media (the term being a portmanteau word created particularly in honor of Hilton, who is actually neither, from the words “celebrity” and “debutante”), Hilton meant the twelve-foot-by-eight-foot cell in which she sought refuge after arriving inside the cavernous institution in Lynwood, California, late last Sunday.

Trapped inside the facility’s “special needs unit,” Hilton, in brief telephone calls to her heartbroken mother, Kathy, sobbed, “Get me out! For God’s sake, get me out!” After an ominous pause during which only the snap, crackle, and pop of static (or maybe it was Kellogg’s Rice Krispies cereal (Kathy is uncertain as to the cause of the unnerving sounds), the heiress added, “Or at least send me some art supplies.” She confided to her mother that she had been “reduced to finger painting with my own feces.”

Parbrush

Paris Hilton’s “paintbrush” before her supplier “went dry”

“Her situation was desperate, and grew more so with every passing second,” Kathy told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “I didn't think she could last more than a couple of days, maximum, in there. The governator wouldn't lift a finger to help free her!” By “governator,” she meant California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who played an android who dreams of electric sheep in Terminator: Beauty and the Bestiality.

The conditions under which the intrepid Hilton was trapped were “hideous,” her mother said, citing the facts that the detention center is located in an industrial neighborhood, beside railroad tracks, and beneath a bustling freeway. Moreover, the place is reportedly full of violent female criminals, including murderers, lesbian rapists, and women who have had the temerity to drive on a suspended license--while intoxicated. “Despite these horrors, my baby bravely continued to put as much of herself into her artwork as she could.”

Hilton was able to obtain a kit that contained some “basic essentials,” she told her mother, such as toiletries, but it included no perfume. “There were no art supplies, either, which is why I had to rely on my own feces for my finger painting sessions.”

Fortunately, the detention center food varied enough to allow her to create monochromatic paintings in “rich earth tones,” including black, brown, chocolate, tan, russett, and coffee. “Black,” Hilton came to discover, “is beautiful.” Nevertheless, she said, she would have “loved to have had a little color” in her paintings. “Unfortunately, after becoming trapped in this hideous place,” she said, her period stopped. Otherwise, she would have been able to have included red, crimson, and pink with the earth colors. “I was overdue,” she admitted, attributing her missed menstruation to fear rather than to pregnancy.

Parstudio

Paris Hilton’s Lynwood “studio”

One of the heiress’ lawyers, Pinkie Pinkerton, told his client that she could create her own paints, using all-purpose flour, water, and food coloring, and even sent her a recipe. Hilton said her bowel movements were regular, though, and it was not flour and water--or even food coloring--that she needed most. “It was the actual paints.” Besides, she explained, the correctional officers, or guards, confiscated flour and food coloring, because some inmates used these ingredients to create outlawed fingernail polish, lipstick, and blush. “The warden is a real jerk,” Hilton said. “He didn't want us to have any fun, so he said he confiscated the flour and food colors to thwart what he called ‘lesbian displays.’ He’s a real sicko!”

Hilton has called for the warden to be investigated. "If anyone deserves to be in jail, it's that asshole," she said.

It could have been as few as 22 days or as many as 45 days before Hilton's rescue team could liberate her, experts said, so obtaining art supplies had become “critical” for her.

Even now that she has been temporarily freed, she remains so traumatized from having been trapped inside the jail that she continues to collect art supplies for her "return trip," and anyone who is interested in donating to Hilton’s cause may send his or her feces directly to any of her Beverly Hills, Malibu, Las Vegas, New York City, London, or Paris addresses.

The heiress, who has been almost unanamously criticised, was vigorously defended at a press conference called by singer 'One Sheet' Sheryl Crow, who said "Hilton should be cheered for finding a practical solution to the one of the world's most pressing problems -- what do we do with our excess crap." she continued, "Hilton has discovered a way to seriously curtail the wasteful use of toilet tissue." "Now even my suggestion of using only 'one sheet to wipe' seems paltry and inadequate." "She has turned s*it into art." Crow ended the press conference with the statement, "Hilton is not the stupid, empty-headed female that she has been unfairly portrayed as." "To me" Crow said "she's a genius," as she picked her nose with brown encrusted hands.

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