|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
3 November 2006
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“Yeah I hit that shit, who hasn't?”
Stupid Spoiled Whore Monthly reported that social attention whore Paris Hilton is no longer famous, due to the fact that she doesn't do anything. EVER. Now they say the magazine will completely ignore anything Paris does and publish articles on more interesting people like Lindsay Lohan
“She's only famous because of that movie and for being a complete dumbass.”
“That's like not cool and stuff, I do important things all the time like ummmmmm shopping, partying and when I'm bored I pick some random person in the street and root it. At least most of the time it's a person.”
The magazine goes on to say that 13 year old girls should do other things than have sex with people and post it on the Internet.
“OMFG She's not famous nemore wat will I do since rooting isn't "hot" nemore OH NOES!!oneone”
People all over the world are now happy because they don't have to put up with Paris' shitty sayings, music, ramblings, skankyness, fashion sense, lack of brains and acting anymore. The global economy is steadily rising with chihuahua and handbag sales now finally decreasing with eBay shops reportedly discontinuing their line of purebred handbag bitches at about $1000 a pop. The New York Times has also reported that people now feel smarter as a whole and that the average persons IQ is now at an all-time high average of 500.
“We have seen nothing like it, since Paris Hilton's popularity hit the wall no-one is speaking like her or acting like her. People are now actaully reading and studying Chemistry”
With all this new found IQ power we estimate that we shall have flying cars and evolve into a super-human race by the end of next week, says the New York Times. They continue to say that they have already equalled the Japanese in technology in five hours and have cured breast cancer and AIDS.
“It's amazing, I woke up this morning and discovered a cure for breast cancer”
As a result now people on the Internet are seeking 50,000 signatures on an on-line petition to make sure Paris Hilton never gets on TV ever again. But who the hell pays attention to those stupid petitions anyway?
“We have already discussed a meeting of the Fabulous and Extraordinary League of Awesome TV Executives to make sure Paris is banned from all TV programs in this and any other dimension”
Let's hope we have seen and heard the last of Ms. Hilton