UnNews:Paris Hilton is actually a genius

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2 July 2007

Black-Scholes

Professor Hilton explains the basics of the Black-Scholes formula to students at the Learning Annex.

LONDON, England While being perceived by the public as a dumb blonde heiress, Paris Hilton is actually a brilliant genius with a confirmed IQ of 557. This was revealed during a deal in which Paris was offered $1 million dollars to teach business tips to budding entrepreneurs who want to succeed in the world. "Her greatest asset has always been her mind," one of her students say, "and one million dollar inheritance." "God knows, it's not her non-existent boobs. If she had to rely on them , she'd starve!"

It has been long suspected by the public that Paris Hilton used juvenile antics in order to distract public attention away from the fact that she's actually a cold, calculating businesswoman with megalomaniacal aspirations, not unlike Bill Gates. In an interview with Larry King Paris confessed that, "The truth is that I intentionally made those embarrassing sex videos and go drunk and wreckless a few weeks ago. Do you think an evil genius like me would actually allow others know of my incredible intellectual superiority over them and my prodigious mental capacity to literally crush every one of them like insects, do you think I'm that stupid?" Right after the interview CNN did a poll, the results indicated that 46% percent believes that Paris Hilton is that stupid, 38% percent do not, and 16% said, "Paris Hilton knows what 'prodigious' means?"

It was revealed by Paris' publicist that she actually received a score of 1580 on the SAT's, even though she eventually decided against going to a traditional college education and instead attended The School of Hard Knocks. She cited the fact that college is "a bourgeois institution which human beings are trained to keep capitalist pigs happy" and would rather enjoy an education of bumming around the high-society socialite scene and learning everything from the rough and tumble of a life lived in the luxury being the heiress of the founder of a famous hotel chain. "I am a great believer of Aristotle, and cherish his belief that education is to improve the spirit of human beings," Paris said as she was solving a third-order 10-variable differential equation. Everybody who personally met Paris Hilton agrees that her mind is of the highest caliber. "She's obviously brilliant, and my students would love her," says Bill Zanker, then thought to himself, "but not hopefully in a carnal way." Unfortunately he did not realize he said those words aloud, which was quite an embarrassment.

Right now Paris Hilton is guiding her long-time acquaintance, Stephen Hawkings, assisting him in formulating the quantum theory within the framework of String Theory. "There is nothing which would please me more than helping my inadequate friend Steve, in discovering a theory which unifies quantum mechanics, general relativity, and Strings, really, nothing would please me more," explains Paris. "He's just a bit slow," Hilton said.

But as for now Paris' aspiration is to become a media empire, not unlike one which has been created by Martha Stewart. "We're going to screw that bitch!" Paris announced to her investors, then said, "well, not in that particular way." After leaving the press conference a folder was found to have accidentally dropped onto the floor. Discovered was her "World Domination" plan in which she plans to take over the market for Japanese handbags will eventually lead to a World War III and finally control of the entire world. No response was received when she was pressed for comment regarding this discovery.

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