UnNews:Paris Hilton found guilty of driving without valid license, sent to bed without supper
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Paris Hilton found guilty of driving without valid license, sent to bed without supper
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 19:25:UTC)(
5 May 2007
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LOS ANGELES, California-- Earlier today, a Los Angeles judge sent a tearful Paris Hilton, the prominent heiress and star of an extremely blurry sex video, to bed without her supper as punishment for her driving drunk last week.
Last month, Hilton hopped in her car and shot off down the highway at 85 miles per hour. The trouble started when she attempted to change the batteries of her Cell phone, eat a hamburger, drink vodka, and drive at the same time. "I got confused," she said tearfully, "one of my songs came on on the radio, and I was so excited I lost track of what I was doing!"
The fact that one of her songs was on the radio, combined with the fact that she was drunk and choking on her cell phone caused her to lose control of her vehicle. She regained control, but only after having run over an entire girl scout picnic. As punishment, her license was revoked. However, only five minutes after her license was revoked, she hopped in her car again. She drove for a total of ten seconds before running over an old woman. She attempted to run from the scene, but couldn't get her seatbelt unbuckled because it was "too confusing".
So, she was put on trial for violating her probation for her previous traffic offense. The judge was 90 year-old Micheal Sauer. Hilton's principle claim was that she thought it was her fishing license that had been revoked. However, most of her testimony was difficult to understand, because through the majority of the trial she was eating a cheeseburger with fries and attempting to talk at the same time.
The judge seemed entranced by her testimony. However, he seemed to be shocked out of his trance when she got up and walked out of the room to order some more french fries to go with her hamburger. The jury passed a verdict of guilty, and all that was left to decide was her sentence.
"At first, we wanted to Spank her," says the judge, "but we decided that was a little too harsh. We were going to have her spend five minutes in jail, but she didn't want to have to walk to her cell because her thighs were killing her. Then, we decided to make her sit in a corner. But we decided against that, too, when we saw the horrified look on her young, innocent, multi-million dollar face. We ultimately decided to send her home without being able to finish her french fries. It seemed like an adequate punishment."
After the verdict was read, Hilton burst into tears, and her mother screamed at the prosecutors, "How could you do that to my little girl, you big lugs?!" Paris is reportedly extremely scarred by the horror of the verdict, and may not be ready to film another season of her hit show, The Simple Life.
Courtroom officials deny accusations that the heiress received special treatment, but these rumors of favoritism still are being circulated. They are fueled by the fact that Paris went on trial wearing a bath robe, and spent the entire trial sitting in a luxurious armchair, with a butler shining her shoes.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|