|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
23 June 2007
The famous lanky, finger-toed heiress, Paris Hilton, has been in prison for only four and a half years, yet she has already come to know almost 4 inmates. One is the male content of a neighbouring cell, God. God is serving time for discrimination in employment and inciting racial hatred, as well as for connection with 9/11 and the Crusades, but still has retained enough power (if only through threatening the jurors at his trial with torture in hell) to acquire a luxury cell in a women's prison. "At first I thought he was a bit sardonic and sanctimonious, and a complete bigot, then I remembered that I didn't know what those words meant, and we hit it off very well" said Paris, to a reporter disguised as dropped soap. The religious leader refused to answer questions from anyone except the Pope, but his lawyers made a statement on his behalf: "...basically I don't know why this news is of interest to anyone, many have met Him, but the only ones who make the news are the ones that are in prison for crimes against Nicole Richie, or the ones who blow themselves up on His account."
The Pope, who was approached by a reporter also disguised as soap, failed to answer any questions (and why would he anyway?) as the reporter was snatched up by a nearby Cardinal, and inserted into the anus of a choirboy. In earlier interviews, Paris remarked, with ironically accurate foresight, that prison wouldn't be as bad as some people made it seem, as in a women's prison there is no danger involved in picking up in-shower Veet hair remover. Omnipresent deities may prove her wrong, should they opt to spend some time inside.