UnNews:Paris Hilton Killed By Tourists Trying to Get Rooms in Paris
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Paris Hilton Killed By Tourists Trying to Get Rooms in Paris
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 23:50:UTC)(
15 August 2006
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PARIS, France -- Just a few hours after being attacked by an Iranian diplomat in Kentucky, Paris Hilton was stabbed to death by tourists in Paris, France.
The terrible catastrophe occurred just three hours ago, while Paris was headed to her namesake hotel after an all-night drinking binge. Apparently, the two tourists, dressed in raincoats though it was a clear night, came up to her, called her a tramp, then stabbed her repeatedly in the breasts and nether regions. They ran away half an hour before police arrived, but they were easy to find; being the only couple in Paris wielding knives loaded with blonde pubic hair.
The two tourists, Jan and Pat Steinberg, turned out to be a middle-aged couple from Vermont who were just sick of trying to find rooms at the Paris Hilton and getting numerous sex videos of Paris Hilton. Says Pat, "That dirty tramp was the bane of our existence."
Dark Lord of the Underworld Satan also prepared a statement. It reads, in part: "Yeah, you know, I feel bad and all, but, hey, look on the bright side; at least she's finally got a competent sexual partner -- ME!!!"
It does seem quite a tragedy that such a bright, young girl should leave the world so early in her life, but, really, the only thing worth it was that this reporter got to spend a night in Paris.