|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
13 December 2011
Washington, DC -- Caretakers of Liberty and Peace, the two turkeys pardoned in the annual White House Thanksgiving ceremony, were stunned to find the birds missing this morning from their retirement farm just outside of Sterling, Virginia. According to a police report, the turkeys disappeared between 9:30 PM last night and 4:30 AM this morning.
"We went out there to feed them this morning," reported John Gore, a caretaker of the celebrity turkeys, "But they weren't anywhere on the farm."
Extensive security measures including wild animal traps, motion detectors, video cameras, and Bubba, the night security guard, were all in place and activated by 9:30, according to the police report. After the caretakers realized the turkeys were not on the farm, they went to find Bubba. He was found unconscious with a severe laceration to the head.
When police arrived on the scene, they had little to go on. An interview with Bubba revealed that he had been hit from behind while watching re-runs of Scooby Doo, and never saw the assailants. Video records from the farm show only a gloved hand spraying paint on each camera, and according to the Police, all footprints and other evidence had been removed.
"This was a precision operation," said Lieutenant O'Hare of the Loudoun County Sheriff's Department, "The only operations I've seen like this were all black ops."
The only evidence police had to go on was some footage from a gas station about 3/4 of a mile away from the farm. The footage shows a black limousine with a small US flag on the hood heading towards the farm at about 1:15 AM. When questioned by the police, White House Chief of Staff, William Daley reported that the President was stunned and outraged at the turn of events.
"On behalf of himself and the American People, the President wishes to express his outrage at this heinous crime perpetrated in our own back yard." Reported Daley, "No effort will be spared to find the terrorists who have defiled this great American tradition."
But the Police remain unconvinced.
"It all seems a little fishy to me." said one Sheriff's Deputy speaking on conditions of anonymity. "The Presidential limo was the only car on the road all night."
Another anonymous White House maid reported overhearing President Obama cheerfully stating, "I'm finally going to get those turkeys." But she thought at the time that he was referring to the Republicans.
The President has not personally commented on the crime.