UnNews:Paramount drops Tom Cruise after actor's confession
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Paramount drops Tom Cruise after actor's confession
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 09:30:UTC)(
23 August 2006
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"I was with Jon Benet Ramsey when she died," bluntly revealed the eccentric actor. In a hastily arranged press conference, he went on to claim the death was "an accident" and that he "really loved" the six year-old girl.
Investigators were stunned by the revelation in the case, which has remained unsolved for nearly ten years.
"Initially we suspected members of the Ramsey family, but to be honest, I don't know why we never investigated Cruise - he's such a weirdo," commented a Boulder detective.
Cruise had become infamous for his controversial behavior, including jumping up and down on couches, as well as declaring that "all psychiatrists are really just raving lunatics."
Skeptics argue that Cruise (who is straight as a steel rod) may not have actually murdered Jon Benet, and that his confession is just a clever publicity stunt. "Mission Impossible III bombed at the theatres, so maybe he was hoping that this news would help spur DVD sales," said an analyst from a rival movie studio. But police say that Cruise was able to describe details of the murder scene thus far unknown to the public, such as the fact that all medicine present in the Ramsey household was mysteriously destroyed during the crime. They further dismissed an alibi provided by Katie Holmes that he was "having sex with me at the time of the murder" as highly unlikely.
Although details of Cruise's confession haven't been made public, an anonymous law enforcement source revealed that the actor claimed Jon Benet's soul was possessed by the evil galactic warlord Xenu, and he had to exorcise him. He hooked up an e-meter to the girl and tried to increase her thetan level, but the procedure somehow went awry and the little pageant queen died.
Scientologists worldwide rose up to defend Cruise, saying he was just trying to do the right thing. The church paid for Cruise's extradition flight and treated him to a fine meal and Champagne on board. But Paramount is refusing to accept any explanations for now, and says the studio has already replaced the actor with Trey Stone and Matt Parker. But Cruise may yet maintain his career - fellow Scientologist John Travolta already offered him a role in a planned sequel to "Battlefield Earth."