|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
28 February 2010
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Despite recent events, Paramount Pictures and Orlando, Florida's Sea World have announced plans to remake the 1977 Jaws knockoff, Orca. Although some people felt the move was morbid and ill-timed, Viacom president Sumner Redstone defended his decision.
"It's a goddamn movie," he says. "This isn't supposed to be real life or anything. It's strictly entertainment. I'm not trying to exploit recent events. I just want your money."
At 2 p.m. on Wednesday afternoon, one of Sea World's orca whales killed its trainer, 40-year-old Dawn Brancheau, after she apparently slipped and fell into the tank at Shamu Stadium. She had been listening to Miley Cyrus on her iPod. Thousands of visitors watched in horror.
The studio is taking extra precautions. "The whale we hire for this movie will have a huge entourage!" says Sea World Vice President and General Manager -- and Da Vinci Code author -- Dan Brown, who also denied rumors that he would be writing the Orca screenplay. "He or she will have a 10 p.m. curfew, a strict diet, and nobody is to go near him or her once the Panavision cameras stop rolling."
While no writer or director has been selected as of yet, it is confirmed that 30 Rock and former Saturday Night Live star Tracy Morgan will play Captain Nolan, played by Richard Harris in the original. "I love the original Orca," Morgan says. "I loved Richard Harris in that movie, and I'd love to take on such an iconic character."
There is speculation as to who will helm the project. Several people feel it is Rob Zombie. "Not likely," says Redstone. "Did you see what he did to Michael Myers in Halloween II? And plus, he's busy directing CSI: Miami. We'll be dead before they let that wanker touch another franchise. Nobody does that to Daeg Faerch! Nobody!!!"
What about James Cameron? "Too busy."
Stanley Kubrick? "He's dead."
Clint Eastwood? "You feeling lucky, punk? Clint would never do a horror movie if we put a .44 Mangum -- the most powerful handgun in the world, and would probably blow your head clean off -- to his head."
Kevin Smith? "Don't bet on it."
"I'd love to work with Kevin Smith again," says Morgan.
We asked Redstone about one more rumored director -- Quentin Tarantino? "Just shut up already! We'll announce the director when we get one."
So for now, any rumors of a director are just that, rumors.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the 1977 "original" (and I use that term loosely), an Irishman named Captain Nolan lives in Canada and catches marine animals to pay off his boat so that he can return to Ireland. He and his crew are hunting a great white shark, but a scientist named Ken (Robert Carradine) is being targeted by the shark. The shark falls victim to the titular orca. Horror ensues. As do boredom and cheesiness.
The film did poorly at the box office compared to Jaws, but has since become a cult classic on home video. After Jaws, knockoffs followed such as Seahorse (1975), Electric Eel (1975), Sea Monkeys (1975), Grizzly (1976), Tintorera (1977), Orca (1977), Tentacles (1977), Barracuda (1977), Piranha (1978), Chihuahua (1979), Great White (1980), Bad Fluffy (1981), Monster Shark (1984), Mosquito (1985), Deep Blue Sea (1999) and a host of others, to varying degrees of success.
"This ain't gonna be a here today, gone tomorrow movie," says Morgan. "We [are] gonna put our hearts and souls into his baby, it's gonna be the shiznit!"
Other details are not yet concrete, but rumors are circulating that Daeg Faerch, Britney Spears, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Sid Haig will take on the roles originated by Robert Carradine, Bo Derek, Charlotte Rampling, Will Sampson, and Keenan Wynn, respectively.
In related news, Morgan will also be playing the iconic role of Quint, originally played by Robert Shaw, in the 2012 remake of Spielberg's Jaws. "I ain't a 'sposed ta talk much about that yet," he says, "but we is (sic) figuring out how to have Quint not get eaten this time."
James Cameron is rumored to be writing and directing Jaws in 3D, but has denied involvement. He also declined comment for this story.