UnNews:Papal proclamation to procure profit for prophet
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
17 November 2006
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ST. PETER'S SQUARE, Vatican City - Official translator for God, Pope Benedict XVI, revealed His business plan today, at a press conference in the Vatican. The artist formerly known as Ratzinger said that the Archangel Gabriel came to him in a vision and told him that God was displeased with the Roman Catholic church's steadily decreasing profitability and that God's One True Church™ should follow His new plan in order to avoid His divine wrath. Vatican City posted a net profit of $95M last year ($95M gross), down considerably from the record setting high of "half of everything, 10% of everything else" set during the height of Roman Catholic power, or as Pope Benedict calls it "Back when we could do whatever the fuck God wanted us to do".
"His most true and holy plan, conferred to me by He Himself in innumerable confusingly phrased and interminable sentences, many lines of which begin with 'And', comes in many parts." said the head Roman Catholic, "First, copy the Protestants and substitute the consecrated wine with grape juice from concentrate. Second, replace the bread of the Eucharist, with its limited shelf life, with His most tasty pastry, the Twinkie, which is nearly as immortal as our Lord God Himself. Both of these, known henceforth as the 'Newcharist', will, like the Eucharist before it, turn to Christ's blood and flesh in your mouth; they are just that tasty. So delicious, in fact, that their consumption will be considered a venial sin and, as such, will require penance."
"Third, we in the Vatican, His representatives on Earth, will save Him money by purchasing smaller hats." the Pontiff continued, presenting a prototype of the new headdress, which is smaller and rounder than the old hats. Vatican insiders admit that that they prefer the old phallic hat, as the new ones bear a more than slight resemblance to a testicle. Additionally, the skullcap is expected to be abandoned, since it is widely known that Pope Benedict dislikes them, and has in the past described the small, round cap as "...too Jewish".
"Fourth, the Roman Catholic church will reestablish the...". At this point he trailed off, mumbling incomprehensibly. When pressed by reporters he admitted that God liked the indulgences program and wants it both reinstated and expanded to include sins that had not yet been invented during the long run of the original program. From 1095 until 1567, the indulgences program was a consistent and low maintence revenue stream for the church. Its cancellation in by Pope Pius V cost the Vatican an amount of money estimated to be in excess of "...a whole bunch..." by clerical clerics.
"...and finally, we are shifting the paradigm of the Trinity, updating and right-sizing it to keep up with the faster pace of the modern world. Accordingly, the Holy Ghost will be released and the duties of its vacated COO position will be picked up by the two remaining board members. This 'Twonity' plans to forge ahead, with God as CEO and board chairman and Jesus Christ as CIO. I will continue to act as CFO." The Holy Ghost's 'golden parachute', valued at $6.5M USD, is tax-free and includes use of the Vatican's chalet in Switzerland, free rides in the Pope-mobile and 20% off khakis at The Gap. Ford Motor Company is rumored to be courting the Ghost to head their ailing North American operation.
Not all of the Vatican's staff were pleased with the announcement. The Swiss Guard put down riots citywide and the historically schismatic Roman Catholic church has again split, with the outcasts, referred to as "heretics" by the Vatican, forming their own as-yet untitled One True Church™.
The head of the new church, Pope Pius XIII, formerly Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, has announced that his new church will not follow the Vatican's lead, referring to the new program as "...heresy from heretics". His church, primarily consisting of members who did not vote for Ratzinger in the last papal election, will instead concentrate on restarting the proven moneymaker of the Inquisition. Bertone closed by saying, "Illuminated softcover Latin editions of 'The Malleus Maleficarum' are being sent to bookshops as quickly as our scribes can copy them. They are also available at your local house of worship, in between the livestock and the money changers' tables. Get your copy today or face the Inquisitor Generalis tomorrow."
Shares of Vatican Inc. and its ancillary companies' stocks soared on the VSE after Benedict's press conference, with Virgin Mary Co., makers of Sweet Jesus on a Stick! and Amazin' Mary's Brush-on Stains, coming on especially strong and posting a gain of $4.75 by end of trading day.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|