UnNews:Pantomime horses are 'really humans' scandal
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Pantomime horses are 'really humans' scandal
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 06:38 (UTC)
13 February 2013
Small children and parents are angry with the government that much loved pantomime horses are really 100% human.
In DNA tests conducted by vets after a free Guinness tasting contest, 20 pantomime horses were examined and to be revealed to be two people in fake horse fur costumes. This was '100% proof' and yes, pour me another'.
Shocked entertainment agents and talent agencies had long accepted pantomime horses to be genuine. Now it seems that for years the entire industry had been working in blinkers and hadn't carried out their own tests to determine whether a pantomime horse was a genuine equine or was in-fact a machine stitched costume containing two bald middle aged blokes. Possibly from Newcastle.
"It's an outrage, a total outrage," spluttered Dick and Puss Whittington. "We have been on a stage hundreds of time and we never imagined that our equine friends were anything but horses. Now children will doubt Pussy Whittington's feline credentials....this news affects us all. Boo-hoo."
A spokesman admitted the scandal of pantomime horses was now all across the European Union and that everyone was blaming Romania. Already in many places the horses have been removed from pageants, parades and all marathon races until the truth is uncovered. Until this is resolved, pantomime cows will be used as a temporary substitute.
"I admit we were not on top of the crisis until it became one," said British Prime Minister David Cameron. "I was always told it was a real horse and not a couple of fellows sticking their heads up each others arses and making funny snorting sounds and clip clopping to some toe curling music. Now what do I tell all the boys and girls? It's enough to make a clown die."
Opposition leaders claimed that the whole affair is a pantomime, and that it would never have happened under Punch and Judy's previous administration. Already piles of discarded pantomime horse costumes have been destroyed, but experts say it may take decades before children will again full accept the pantomime horse as a 100% gee-gee free.
"Oh no they WON'T ."
"Oh yes they WILL ."