UnNews:Panic! At the NYSE
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Panic! At the NYSE
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 12:22:UTC)(
9 February 2010
NEW YORK CITY, New York the state - Mass hysteria has set in again on Wall Street as the Dow Jones has once again closed below 10,000 points, finishing off February 8th at 9,908.39. This is the first time in three months that it has done so. Investors were seen abandoning the New York Stock Exchange in droves Monday, clogging the streets for hours as they fled the city. Angry motorists honked at the throngs of businessmen blocking their way, until they found out what all the commotion was about and joined in the panic. The market was closed early as a precautionary measure, but tomorrow isn't looking so good either. The market is expected to drop at least another 100 points.
"This is absolutely devastating. This is the end of the world...," commented stock broker David Hernia. "There is nothing that could have been more devastating today than this natural market correction. I think I would have rather had a tornado rip Manhattan apart. I mean, I know people who have killed themselves over today's horrid close."
Indeed many people did commit suicide upon hearing of the horrific market slide. NYPD police commissioner Raymond Kelly told UnNews, "It's just unfortunate that this had to happen again. Last time the market dipped below 10,000 nine people killed themselves. Today we've had at least three. Of course we understand why they did it, but we would like to ask that if anyone else feels the need to end their life, please do it at home so we don't have to clean up your mess downtown."
According to experts, each time the index has ventured to the other side of the psychologically significant 10,000 mark, it has returned to this side.
President Obama is expected to address the nation tomorrow on the recent slide. When UnNews tried to contact the Oval Office for a comment, they released this statement: "The President is saddened by the developments in the economy today. The White House asks that all Americans observe tomorrow as a national day of mourning and that all flags be flown at half-staff."