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Palpatine: 'Tarkin is causing long-term damage'

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29 July 2018

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The Emperor puts on his 'TV friendly face'.

SENATE DISTRICT, Coruscant — Galactic Emperor Sheev "Yes, That's Really My First Name" Emperor Palpatine opened up his summer meeting of the Sith, Red Guard, and Inquisitors with an emphasis on galactic order while also delivering sharp critiques of Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin and his legal administration.

"As you all know I dissolved the Imperial Senate, but my plan was to replace it with hand-picked leaders for each planet who would answer to me. And this asshole goes and destroys Alderaan. Now what the hell am I going to do?"

He looked around the room and all were silent.

"Fear will keep the local systems in line? Fear? Are you serious? Does he have any idea how many decades I spent corrupting the Republic? Does he have any clue how many senators I had to buy off, random fucking planetary rulers who all thought they were so important that I had to win over to my side, apprentices I had to sacrifice?"

Darth Vader looked left and right.

"Politics is hard work. I invented a whole fucking war just to get the Senate to throw me power. I literally had my fucking apprentice pretend to be my enemy. That's the fear I used to manipulate them. Not the fear of me; the fear of an imaginary enemy!"

Vader spoke up. "Wait, you never told me any of that. You mea--"

"Shut the fuck up, babykiller."

"Yes, my Master."

"Tarkin just wants to go around blowing everything up like 'we're the Empire, bitch.' You can't do it like that! Most people aren't going to just cowtow to you the moment one of their loved ones ends up dead." Vader bowed his head. "They'll want revenge. That's why you have to mislead them. Say the Rebels built the Death Star. Say they blew up Alderaan. That's how you do it. But of course, he has no clue how to do this shit. So what do we do now?"

"We could blow up the rebel base," suggested Vader.

"Blow up the rebel base. Yeah, OK. You're just going to create a million more rebels, you know that, right? You think Saw Gerrera is bad? Wait until you go around blowing planets up left and right without even the slightest thought about how they're going to feel about it. That's not evil, that's just being an idiot."

There was a pause.

"Anyway that's it, meeting adjourned. I'm going to go mediate on how generations upon generations of master manipulators have hidden in secret and manipulated things behind the scenes, literally killed their masters over and over just to make sure that only the most cunningly evil one of them would survive, for a thousand years just to create this Empire. And just for this fucking spoiled scion of an important man to come and go "pew, pew, your planet's gone now, I'm going to use this thing like it's Daddy's belt."

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