UnNews:Palin Sent to Ice Floe on Fact-finding Mission
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Palin Sent to Ice Floe on Fact-finding Mission
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, November 25, 2015, 21:24:UTC)(
28 September 2008
In another display of the bold, if somewhat erratic moves for which the McCain campaign has become known, John McCain announced today that Sarah Palin, VP candidate and Alaska Governor, would be sent to a remote Alaskan ice floe. There, she will engage in a fact-finding mission to research polar bears. "My friends", said McCain, "There is currently a great deal of concern about the effects of global warming on those cute, furry, cuddly polar bears." Sarah Palin has said before that polar bears are not endangered, but McCain said "she now feels that it is time to take the bold move of gathering information to ensure that these beautiful creatures are not lost to us forever".
Palin is in the process of preparing to return to Alaska. From Fort Wainwright Army Base, in Fairbanks, she will board a special C-130 transport plane, which is equipped with skis for landing on the Alaskan sea ice. Then, she will be flown approximately 2,000 miles to the North Pole. She will be equipped with a North Face tent, an REI sleeping bag, 6 months worth of freeze-dried food, and a small plastic spatula which will be used in the event that she must defend herself from the adorable bears. There, for "as long as it takes" Palin will research the majestic Polar Bear. Asked about whether she was excited, Palin said "Oh, you betcha! Those polar bears... well, they're so cute in those Coke commercials, ya know? I think it's a real excitin' thing! 'Cause you know... health care... of the economy. I said 'thanks but no thanks' to the Bridge To Nowhere. Because its gotta be all about job creation... McCain is a proven track record of being a maverick. You know, I think if I squint, I can see Russia right now..." McCain campaign security quickly took Palin away and kicked the UnNews reporter in the head before any more questions could be asked.
Asked by UnNews whether McCain would complete her trip in time for the upcoming Vice Presidential debate, a McCain campaign spokesman said, "Of course. True, the sea ice is vast. The waters are very cold. The polar bears are so hungry. And you know, Russia is right next door. So yes, there's a teeny tiny itsy bitsy chance that she might disappear and not be found for months... or ever. But it's just so very, very, *very* unlikely that will happen. We would just be shocked, shocked if she were to, hypothetically speaking, disappear for the rest of the campaign. Or if she were lost forever, frozen in the frigid wastes of the Arctic, entombed in an iceberg with walruses licking at her like she was a popsicle. Of course, in the ever so very unlikely event that *did* happen, we would call for the nation to rally around her family and, of course, John McCain, who would just be devastated."