UnNews:Palestinians Storm Hamas HQ, Demand Hummus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Palestinians Storm Hamas HQ, Demand Hummus
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, April 23, 2017, 23:49:UTC)(
16 April 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
(Rubble City, Gaza Strip) Palestinian gunmen, tired of suffering heavy losses during incursions into Israel, decided to storm the headquarters of its own ruling party today. At around 11am, a contingent of masked men besiged the building, or rather - what remains of the building after recent Israeli strikes. The main catalyst behind the attack was delayed payment of government salaries. Since Hamas took over a month ago, employees haven't received a single jar of hummus - the local currency. The devastated economy has come to rely on the chickpea food product as a monetary instrument.
Frustrated transportation ministry bureaucrat Abu Hassan voiced his complaints, "My family hasn't had any hummus in weeks. Am I supposed to live off of baba ganoush forever?!" The Palestinian situation has become even more dire after the recent controversial election because Hamas is considered a terrorist\commie organization by outsiders. The so-called "quintet" (the UN, EU, US, Russia, and Yo Yo Ma on violin) imposed sanctions on the Palestinian Authority. White House press secretary Scott McClellan curtly summed them up as, "No hummus for Hamas."
Meanwhile, Gaza refrigirators stand empty, owing in large part to the corruption of the previous Fatah administration. Reportedly, a year's supply of precious hummus was used as an embalming fluid on Yasser Arafat at his funeral last year. Remaining supplies were smuggled to Egypt via underground tunnels. The poorly guarded border is another thorn in Hamas' side; thousands of Egyptians cross daily and usurp what remaining jobs there are.
Israel, whose hummus supplies are more than adequate, refuses to help supply the beleguered Palestinian state. This is due in part to Hamas' stubborn refusal to recognize that Isreal even grows chickpeas at all. Reporters repeatedly called Prime minister Ariel Sharon for comments, but he inexplicably never picked up his phone.
Today's crisis was peacefully resolved after Hamas finance minster Omar Abdel Razek came to meet with the gunmen, and temporarily appeased them with a bowl of figs (exchange rate: 10.5 hummus jars to 1 fig) from the national reserve. Razek also promised that, "Hummus will be made available once the chickpea season starts in May." The invaders departed shortly after 2pm, allowing workers at the headquarters to resume work on crucial bomb-making materials.