UnNews:Palestinean plan to defeat Israel by capturing one soldier not going as planned
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Palestinean plan to defeat Israel by capturing one soldier not going as planned
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 17:42:UTC)(
5 July 2006
GAZA, Palestinian Terr. -- Amid ongoing menacing jet strikes and artillery fire, a surprised Palestinean leadership is discovering, to its horror, that its military strategy of capturing one Israeli soldier was fatally flawed.
The soldier was captured just over a week ago, and the Palestinean Authority is currently disoriented, since their timetable for the operation called for Israel to have surrendered to Palestine several days ago and well on the way to moving their approximately 7 million population off the land they stole, not to anywhere in particular, but "into the Mediterrnean Sea would have been fine with us" commented an unnamed, apparently brilliant, Hamas military strategist, who conceived of the present "Let's Catch One Israeli Soldier, That'll Finally Get Them All To Leave" plan.
"I really thought that catching one soldier would work for us this time" said the man, who was watching the sky nervously throughout our conversation. "I mean, Allah is on our side and smiles upon our holy sword of just jihad against the infidels who have stolen his land with the approval of the satan USA and the zionist pig United Nations. Catching one soldier should have been enough. Why isn't this working?"
We then had to run because the Israelis started flattening the town we were in with powerful shockwaves caused by the Ark of the Covenant, which Israel recovered from a storage facility in the United States in 1994 in exchange for "Uncle Morty's Gefilte Fish Recipe"(tm), a weapon of even more fearsome power which has been reportedly used to great success in Iraq.
Other Palestinean leaders were similarly dismayed by their "perfect" plan's apparent failure.
"What is with these jews?" asked an unidentified Palestinean politician brandishing camouflage fatigues, a carbine, and a ski mask, "Don't they understand we have their soldier? It's like, game over. We won already. Why are they still fighting? WE HAVE ONE OF THEIR FUCKING SOLDIERS!!!!!"
The man then began foaming at the mouth in anger and cursing loudly in Hindustani.
It was difficult to get an interview with high-ranking Israeli sources, but after prodding and several bribes with Madonna tickets, a brief discussion of this serious situation was achieved:
"Well, we are fighting very hard and have already blown up a lot of empty desert and some towns were flattened by the power of g-d's rightous wrath against Amalek." said assistant fish flinger David Ben-Avi Weiss Bergerstein III. "Now, what's this you're saying about some soldier being captured?"