UnNews:Palestine dilemma: suicide or surfing
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Palestine dilemma: suicide or surfing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 00:23:UTC)(
25 January 2012
WEST BANK, Palestine -- Mosab Hassan was unfortunately born into the worst Islamic militant suicide bomber organization, S-BLAM, in the West Bank and grew up in a strict Islamic suicide bomber family. But upon receiving his assignment at the tender age of 37, he suddenly ran away from home, ostensibly to protest the honor killing of his baby daughter by his grandfather for inciting child abuse, and he immigrated to America where he joined a Southern California surfing club.
He renounced his suicidal faith, left his family behind in a fortified Palestinian bomb factory, and now lives on the beach as a local at Swami’s Reef – a surf spot in Encinitas named in honor of the Hindu SRF or Self Realization Fellowship temple which rests on a bluff overlooking the sea.
The story of how his life unfolded is friggin’ boring as hell, whether you care or don’t care – unless you’re a surfer or a suicide bomber, or worse, a reader of Uncyclopedia. But in order to justify our meager existence as genuine UnNews distorters we let Hassan recount the highly likely tale of how a member of S-BLAM became a West Coast beach bum.
When asked why he changed from suicide bombing to surfing Hassan replied, “I believe that all those waves - which have broken over the last 1,400 years since the birth of the profit - are not existing anymore; and most of them went unridden!” - he said, regretfully. “Suicide bombers don't recognize this. They avoid the water because they're afraid of getting wet and shorting the bomb fuse. They don’t want people to discuss anything about surfing, nor about the BIG question which Islamic terrorists ask their children, ‘Suicide or surfing?’
“But now that people have access to YouTube they can see non-believers shredding radical barrels at Pipeline or ripping up great reef breaks like this.” He enthused, referring to Swamis reef. “And then the surfers paddle right back out and do it again and again and again. It just goes on and on!” Hassan explained.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
“But suicide bombing is only one lousy ride, and that’s it. Then you have to hang around in heaven after shagging and thus disqualifying 72 virgins, without an ocean or even a drop of water in sight,” he stressed. “So when I was given the choice of suicide or surfing - honor or dishonor - I choose surfing. It’s that simple, dude!”