UnNews:Paedophiles Rejoice Over New Child Database
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
28 May 2008
Equal opportunities for paedophiles look like taking a huge step forward thanks to government plans to maintain an almost complete list of all children in the United Kingdom. Information stored in the database will include details such as favourite sweets, Pokemon preference as well as school name and address.
The first stage will only be rolled out in England because Welsh and Scottish children are so damn ugly and no one will want to screw them. The system is different from the national ID database in that the child database will only feature those under the age of 14, thereby reducing the risk of unsuspecting paedophiles accidentally grooming anyone of a legal age.
Mr X, a paedophile from Milton Keynes (details withheld for his protection) comments:
|Yea, we have been having a particularly difficult time of it of late. What with all the clamping down, and smashing of rings, it's been really tough going. Take my case for example... I have been doing a lot of my grooming in internet chat-rooms recently, and I can tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Last year I spent 3 months grooming this kid from Yahoo by pretending to be a 9 year old boy. Took ages over it. When eventually I arranged the real world meet up imagine how surprised I was to find the local vicar turn up! What a waste of time for both of us. That's the thing with the damn internet. You never really know who you are talking to.|
Mr X continues:
|This new system is great. It takes all the fuss out of finding a potential target. You just type in your preferred age, sex, hair colour or whatever and off you go. I find it works best if you also search for children from single parent families, and those with a history of abuse. I had no trouble getting the results back, and I now have three new girls and one boy that I'm keeping an eye on, all on my bus route home too!|
There were some initial fears that not all paedophiles would have access to the information they needed, but this concern was squashed when Jacqui Smith (British home secretary) announced that over 300,000 people would be given the password. In a statement given at the house of commons Mrs Smith stated:
|Paedophiles need not worry about lack of access to the system. Although we can't give access to everyone, we feel sure that major pedo groups such as the clergy, teachers and child care social workers will be well covered. We also expect that anyone not falling into one of these groups will be able to gain access through a trusted friend or acquaintance.|
Although the new database is proving popular amongst fans of the younger generation, many parents have not been so happy. The database will store details of all children in the country except those who are of "Celebrity status". This caused friction with some parents finding their children listed, when friends (of slightly higher celebrity status) were not.
Mrs Simpkins of Notting Hill comments:
|Oh yes, it was so embarrassing. We were at a party in Chelsea when we realised that of all the guests present, only our children where listed. I mean, we had our pictures on page 7 of Heat Magazine, but apparently that's not enough. Our friends David and Victoria got onto the front cover so they are classed as celebrity and we are not? I mean, who makes these rules anyway? It's just not fair.|
- Oates,John "Government wants every English child on 'secure' database". The Register, February 13, 2008 - They are not joking.
- Adnkronos.com "Italy: Pope says Church will not allow paedophile priests". Adnkronos.com, April 15, 2008 - Well that's all right then. Good thinking Joseph.
- Lucy Ward "330,000 users to have access to database on England's children". The Guardian, June 18 2007