UnNews:Pact with Satan ends fiscal cliff woes
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Pact with Satan ends fiscal cliff woes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 16:25:UTC)(
2 January 2013
WASHINGTON, Dominion of Satan -- Compromise was the name of the game today as house Democrats and Republicans, with the help of Satan, passed a last-ditch effort to avert imminent economic collapse. The new legislation is seen as a better alternative to many of the harsher tax increases initially proposed by the Senate and is expected to pay down the national debt by 8 trillion over the next 10 years through various sacrifices and capital gained by the expansion of Satan's domain.
"Many of us were not willing to work with Satan at first due to his questionable track record and disagreement over social issues, but we knew something needed to be done," said house member Keith Miles, who sat in the floor as Satan made his case early New Years day. "In the end it was his charms that won us over. He really spoke to my hidden lusts and sinful nature as a human being, and to the lusts of the American people as a whole, I feel."
Satan, whose influence already encompassed some 230 members of the legislative branches, worked tirelessly over the past several weeks in his attempts to expand his dominion into mortal lands and in the process grant his followers economic stability.
Speaking through the corporal hosts Nancy Pelosi and Eric Cantor among others, Satan pushed for provisions that would replace the tax increases on earners earning more than $400,000 a year with one's that would fuel his quest for dominance in the long-run. The deal, initially a set of hellish tax code changes and spending cuts, will now involve the selling of the collective souls of the American population to him --A value estimated to add up to 2 trillion over the next decade.
Additional provisions require the worship of the Lord of the Underworld on a daily basis, either through sacrifice of a goat or the blood of the innocent, as well as the the utter annihilation of Jesus. Economists expect a spike in the sacrificial goat market in the coming weeks.
Reactions from the public have been immediate and have seen Satan's approval ratings skyrocket to 100%.
"I guess it really does take a deity like Satan to reach across the aisle and make stuff happen in Congress. #ThankYouSatan," said one Margaret Stone of Ohio in her twitter. The upswell of faith in the Prince of Darkness has seen the hashtags the likes of #SatanLovesUs and #ThankYouSatan exploding with activity in recent hours.
Despite some conspiracy theorists, Satan assures the American people that the apocalypse is indeed not imminent, rather, he intends to preserve the States in his fires of hell for all eternity as sign of appreciation for being the first to succumb to his powers.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|