UnNews:PM to provide biscuits at Cabinet Meeting

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PM to provide biscuits at Cabinet Meeting

Straight talk, from straight faces

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15 February 2016

Cameronhobnob

The PM announces his intention to supply Hobnob biscuits while hobnobbing at the EU emergency cabinet meeting this Friday.

LONDON -- Prime Minister David Cameron has agreed to supply Hobnobs at the emergency cabinet meeting on Friday, provided he secures a deal on his EU reforms at a summit in Brussels. The move is seen as a concession to Eurosceptic ministers, who have been complaining that it has been Mr. Cameron’s turn since last May.

Members of the Tory cabinet spent a total of £5,780 on Custard Creams, Jammy Dodgers and Maryland Cookies last year, and are annoyed that Cameron spent only £1.47 in the second quarter. It marks a significant shortfall in price-per-biscuit-per-head compared to the front benchers. The Prime Minister, however, argues that the figure is only an estimate, as No. 10 does not hold a record of the precise number of biscuits consumed.

Ministers have begun labelling the PM as the ‘tightest British Prime Minister since Gordon Brown’, who used to bring a single Highland shortbread finger for himself, but lifted biscuit trade and consumption restrictions on other ministers, trusting them not to gorge themselves to the brink of collapse.

Mr. Cameron points out that in May, he actually provided a packet of Jaffa Cakes which — citing the case lost by HM Customs and Exercise — are tax-classed as cake, not biscuits. He said that it is neither right nor necessary to claim the integrity of the biscuit supply deal, or indeed full membership of the rota; any more than Brussels should be setting the working hours of junior doctors.

However, he acknowledges more can be done on his part and has agreed to provide a packet of Hobnobs at the meeting on Friday; but has made it clear he will impose some restrictions on cabinet ministers who want Britain to leave the EU. They will be expected not to campaign for more than one treat during the meeting, and in future he will take a less tolerant view of anti-EU campaigners that have bags of Belgian waffles stashed away in their desks.

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