UnNews:PM kicks dog, children
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
PM kicks dog, children
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 07:22:UTC)(
As it says above, so it says below:
edit PM KICKS DOG, CHILDRENHOXTON: Prime Minister Tony Blair kicked children and livestock today in an unabashed display of political manoeuvring, UnNews reports. The incident in London's fashionable Cocoa Pump Street was captured by a passer-by, who recorded images onto his voicechat handset. But some political commentators have suggested that the recently "Old and Unpopular" PM was merely deflecting a number of controversies that have led some to question the moral integrity and photogenic quality of his government.
The Premier was meeting with two classes from the Old-Baileys in the Cream Junior high school, when he suddenly began to methodically hoof each child once in the rump. The incident shocked onlookers and caught many by surprise, but members of the shadow cabinet were quick to denounce Blair's actions as "nothing but an egregious display of spin". One onlooker commented on the spectacle, "He was certainly playing up to his "Rock Star" persona, but it all looked rather too good-natured - I don't think it was very spontaneous myself."
Speaking later in a press conference Blair went on to boast of thrashing his own children, saying he preferred to use the inner tubing of a bike tyre. He ended the interview by reiterating: "You know, I like children; to hit, not to touch", before kicking a dog as he fled the stage.
But the ill-conceived event has been seen as a transparent attempt by the PM to distract media attention away from the paedophile ring scandal that was uncovered in Westminster last week.
The ring, which operated out of the Cabinet Office itself, centred around Ruth Kelly's Ministry of Children and is believed to have been renting out paedophiles to state schools for more than eight years. The racket, dubbed "Paedogate" by the tabloid press, was capitalising on the illegal nonce workforce by not declaring them on tax and insurance forms. (Read More)
The backlash which followed saw widespread calls for Kelly's resignation. Kelly, who is also a prominent member of the Westminster Male Voice Choir where she sings the baritone line, responded in her characteristic guttural bellow: "The blame for this oversight should be aimed at the conservatives and not myself. Internal investigations have shown that the paedophile ring was installed during the last Tory government, and I was completely unaware of it until mid 2004 when I found it underneath one of the filing cabinets."
All Images courtesy of BBC.CO.UK/drunken_cunt_kicks_kids