UnNews:PETCO releases revolutionary new dog beer product
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PETCO releases revolutionary new dog beer product
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 22:33:UTC)(
11 August 2009
SAN DIEGO, California -- Alcoholics need not be alone anymore! The animal company PETCO released a fantastic new product called Happy Tail Ale (a special beer for canines) recently. This revolutionary new beer has been specially designed for lonely, crying alcoholics whose only friend is a dog and has not only kept liquor stores happy, but also the A.A, who have been experiencing a sharp increase in attendees lately.
"I used to come home from another boring day at work, before opening a beer, or two, or three, or seven and kicking back on the couch. When I got to the point where I felt emotionally fucked and wanted someone to talk to, my little Snuffles used to simply look at me blankly while I contemplated suicide. Thanks to Happy Tail Ale I don't feel alone anymore. Snuffles now howl's alongside me on most nights," said a former AA member and enthusiastic shopper who wishes to remain anonymous.
Many people would ask the question, "Why not feed dogs human beer instead of making such a fuss?" Those people who ask this question obviously have no taste whatsoever, and although a lot of dogs would not mind drinking human beer, the issues surrounding class-based drinking makes the situation a bit icky; especially for the upper-class career dogs who are required to do taste testing for pet organizations such as PETCO.
"I would never let my miniature dachshund, Rowena drink something human. What would the other dogs think of her? Dogs can be very stereotypical too and I refuse to let my shnookums get a bad rep over tasting undogly things," said Madame Nancy Fancy Shmancy, an upper-class, Californian Heiress and dog owner.
Unfortunately, this new trend has caused a big dispute between dog and cat lovers alike. Cat lovers feel that cats are classy by nature and do not deserve to be treated like hippies through the use of cat-nip and that their animal of choice is more deserving of the more refined treatment. In order To settle these disputes, PETCO has come up with the perfect solution and they are now working on a salmon flavored kitty wine called Le kitteh connoisseur for the cat-lovers wishing to add something classy to their lives.
"This is just great! These new products will create so many opportunities for our beloved pets, who are usually required to simply stay at home and do nothing. At least this way more animal careers will be created and our animals can also have the chance to become real working citizens. Of course it may be slightly more difficult to keep the office politics under control, but to hell with it! I don't hear the economy complaining!" Said PETCO CEO James Myers when interviewed by UnNews.
- Phosisticated Man. "Don't be a common dick, feed your pets upper-class shit dude!". Uncyclopedia, August 11, 2009