UnNews:P. K. Subban receives three game suspension for killing teammate Tomas Plekanec
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
P. K. Subban receives three game suspension for killing teammate Tomas Plekanec
Where man always bites dog
Saturday, February 13, 2016, 23:49:UTC)(
4 January 2012
Montreal, Quebec -- Canadiens defenceman P. K. Subban has received a three game suspension for the brutal slaying of teammate Tomas Plekanec. The Canadiens were practicing early Monday morning when a fight broke out between the two, Plekanec who was tripped by Subban, responded by calling him "a nigger". Subban, who is black, was enraged by the racial slur and attacked the Czech with a flurry of fists. He managed to get Plekanec down to the ice where he continued to pound on him. Subban then took off one of his skates and decapitated his fellow teammate. It is alleged that Subban, a recent convert to Islam, shouted "Allahu Akbar" as he decapitated him. At this point Josh Gorges pulled the two players apart. Plekanec's head was put on ice and an ambulance was summoned. Surgeons at the Royal Victoria Hospital attempted to reattach Plekanec's severed head but the operation was a failure and Plekanec died from massive blood loss and lack of oxygen to the brain.
As a result of the death, the NHL has suspended Subban for the next three games and he must forfeit three games worth of pay as well. The NHL has declined to get the police involved telling UnNews that they prefer to handle matters internally. A source close to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman told UnNews that the fact that Plekanec was European also factored into the decision not to contact police.
The Montreal Canadiens organization has come out publically saying they disagree with the suspension but they will abide by it. New coach Randy Cunneyworth told CBC sports reporter Elliotte Friedman "While I think three games is too harsh, I do think the suspension could have been much worse. We've already lost Plekanec, I don't think punishing PK is the right thing to do. That would just be another player gone and we need all the help we can get, we aren't doing so great right now. I mean sometimes these things happen in the heat of the moment and someone takes off their skate and beheads someone. I'm sure if PK could go back and change it he would. Personally, I think the murder is a blessing in disguise. We've taken Plekanec's earnings off the salary cap and besides, now it's all the media is talking about, finally they are off my back about not being able to speak French."
P. K. Subban responded to his coach's comments telling Scott Oake that "I appreciated the coach's words of support but I want to make one thing clear. I'm not sorry I killed little Tommy Plekanec, that cracker called me a nigger. Do you have any idea how offensive that is? If I could, I would bring him back to life just so I could kill him again. Let this be a warning to all the racists in the NHL who are thinking of hurling slurs at me. The next time someone decides to call me a nigger, I will do something to them so bad that what happened to Plekanec will look like child's play". P. K., who grew up on the mean streets of Rexdale, Ontario, is no stranger to violence. While playing minor hockey it is alleged Subban killed 2 other players. There is no record of the crimes because Subban was a juvenile when they were committed. In Canada, people under 18 who commit crime, including murder, are not punished for it and don't receive a record.
Some Canadiens fans are angry with P. K. for killing his fellow teammate but most are supporting him. One fan who identified himself as Jacques Cartier said "While I disagree with murder, I can see why P. K. did it, if someone called me a frog, I'd probably try to take their head off, it's only human nature to want to kill someone who disrespects you". It seems the fans and the organization for the most part accept the NHL's decision and want to put this ugly incident behind them. Goaltender Carey Price said the death has certainly livened up practice and has urged P. K. to use that anger and hate against his opponents. Coach Cunneyworth is hoping the death puts some life into the struggling Canadiens and lets them put some wins together.
Plekanec's remains are scheduled to be ground into meat and served at the concession stands. His salary will be forfeited to the organization and split between the players and coaches. Winger Max Pacioretty indicated that Plekanec's money will be used to throw a huge party for team involving drugs, booze, and hookers. "This is sure to be a morale boost for the surviving players" he said. Habs fans are hoping that Plekanec's death and now a drug-and-sex fueled party will be just the boost the Canadiens need to put them back on track and in a playoff position.