UnNews:Oxygen is hazardous to health
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Oxygen is hazardous to health
Where man always bites dog
Sunday, March 25, 2018, 03:58:UTC)(
19 January 2011
BURNIE, Tasmania -- Researchers at the University of Tasmania have released evidence that oxygen, long thought to be beneficial to people's overall well-being and longevity, is, in fact, quite harmful.
Long lauded as the requisite for complex life on this planet, it has been a widely accepted fact that oxygen is essential to everything from thinking to moving to breathing, and that it is indeed one of the main elements responsible for keeping us alive. Yet researchers now suggest that this is nothing more that hype: "Oxygen is actually killing us," Dr. Julian Abrams, a professor at the University says, "It's been deceiving us all along, working subtly under the cover of helping, to slowly dismantle our cells from the inside-out. A horrific prospect, really."
But how could an element slowly murdering the world's population go unnoticed for so long? It would seem that the answer has been staring us in the face all along - it has always been this way, just as there has always been gravity holding the universe together and there have always been people with disturbingly large facial features in political office. And just as happened with those until relatively recently, people simply took this long to notice.
Oxygen does not 'kill' in the traditional sense. Instead of making particular part of the body stop working, it attacks everything at once over time, even explaining ageing: it is both what enables children to grow into adults and adults to shrink into decrepit elders. As Abrams explained, "It is the agent of change, enabling the release of energy such that we can move, act, and generally experience what happens around us. In doing so, it kills us over the entire course of our lives."
It would seem that the root cause of inevitable death, regardless of the form it might take, be it old age, Japanese tourists, bad tacos or even diseased roadkill, is nothing more than oxygen. Without the chemical and biological processes in which oxygen is key, the brain remains intact even through clinical death, without degrading - decomposition and ageing, like everything else, are all dependent upon the presence of this sly element.
"If you want to live," Abrams' research assistant said later, "at all costs, avoid oxygen."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|