UnNews:Owner of Shell Oil buys Prius, gas prices rise
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Owner of Shell Oil buys Prius, gas prices rise
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 18:35:UTC)(
9 March 2011
HOUSTON, Texas -- Earlier today, the owner of the Shell Oil Company, Marvin Odum, was seen purchasing a brand new 2012 Toyota Prius hybrid from his personal car dealership and racing it around his personal racetrack. With the last incentive to keep gas prices below a dime a drop gone, he is now expected to raise the cost of gasoline above the previous prediction of $7 a gallon by late April.
This is only the latest in a series of excuses made by major oil conglomerations to raise prices. Recently, prices across the United States rose by an average of 33 cents since the crisis in Libya began, despite the fact that the US imports less than “a camel’s piss” of crude from the embattled nation. Before that was the BP oil spill, which jacked up the price of oil to 804 fish a barrel. Several months before that, the family dog of a high ranking CEO of Conoco-Phillips died and gas prices rose by 3 cents for a week to pay for its funeral. When asked why he wanted to raise the prices even more, Mr. Odum said, "I'm trying to line the linings of the linings of my pockets. That's right. Three deep."
In reply, Rex Tillerson, president of Exxon-Mobil, chuckled. "I've been three deep since '88," he told us secretly.
The Prius purchase also coincides with the beginning of the annual “summer price peak,” when oil companies raise prices and blame it on the fact that, in theory, people travel more during the summer months. Derived from a variation of the concept of supply and demand, experts describe the price gouging to come from the "excessive demand" put on oil reserves that ethically allows the oil companies to "raise prices simply because buyers are willing to pay more." The fact that people travel more in the summer, it should be noted, has yet to be scientifically proven.
Immediately after Odum’s announcement, a dozen protesters flooded into the capitol building in Washington, demanding that something be done. After a brief discussion, a lengthy committee meeting, an extended bathroom break, lunch, and a quick visit from the relevant lobbyists, lawmakers decided to agree on extending the tax loopholes to large oil companies. They also proposed a suspension to the restrictions from drilling in both the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska. Oil companies plan to begin drilling immediately, and predict that, as a result, prices would rise, saying, "Due to excessive supply this proposal would create, we would be forced to raise prices to stay competitive." This prediction, itself, was cited as a cause for a potential protest against oil companies worldwide. Gasoline prices, as a result, rose several cents.