UnNews:Overnight "Tube" to reinvigorate London

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Overnight "Tube" to reinvigorate London

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20 August 2016

Night Tube

Passengers pass a poster advertising around-the-clock service. The photograph itself is part of the rehearsal, simulating blurry vision from having overimbibed prior to catching a subway at 3 a.m.

LONDON -- London's "Tube" subway has begun operating around-the-clock on weekends.

The move should re-establish the British capital as a vibrant hub of commerce, said mayor Chaka Khan. Britain recently voted to leave the European Union and is even now seeding the English Channel with sharks. Until now, staying "out on the piss" until after midnight stranded Londoners, forcing them to fall back to buses, taxis, or even Uber.

Tony Travers, an expert on urban issues, said the move is a "psychological step" meant to improve residents' image of their city, despite recurring evidence in Detroit, with a recent reminder in Rio de Janeiro, that nothing good ever happens to you in town at four in the morning. He calls it a "coming-of-age" for a city that many New Yorkers view as quaint, sleepy, and full of people who talk funny. London seeks to transform itself into a cosmopolitan, non-judgemental place that welcomes everyone, from gay activists to Syrian refugees seeking to stone them. The quaint notion that one should go home and go to bed at midnight to be fresh for work the next morning is clearly outdated, he said.

The business group London First said that the move is "a welcome boost to London's economy." Not only will it goose sales during the hour before Closing Time, it should supercharge the weapons business. The group said that previous efforts to induce Londoners to stay out until the wee hours of the morning have already "caused" £52 million of economic activity, counting extra pay to policemen, tow trucks, and coroners.

London Underground executives devised the brainstorm of doing maintenance on weeknights, so that welders and pipe-fitters will not be mowed down by the early-morning trains slated to run on weekends. Transport for London tested the diplomacy skills of station staff last weekend with a dress rehearsal, using chicken soup to simulate vomit, as the real stuff is far too expensive, and having train conductors pretend to be loud and obnoxious.

Finn Brennan, a district organizer for the driver's union, proudly insisted that London is no longer second-fiddle to New York City, though it does still lag in sales of loosies and number of beggars and squeegee men.

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