UnNews:Outbreak of Vanity Virus starts in writers
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Outbreak of Vanity Virus starts in writers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 30, 2017, 07:29:UTC)(
24 June 2006
The Vanity Virus is having its yearly outbreak. As the only virus that only affects writers, it is not very dangerous, except to writers. Signs include low funds, talking about how great PublishAmerica and Poetry.com are, sending loads of money away, and late taxes. If you see anyone with those symptoms, send them to the Writer Quarantine Agency. Attempts to get a vaccine have not succeeded.
Scientists are so far baffled by the virus, which has characteristics of a retrovirus but when viewed in an electron microscope, appears as a tiny US 50-dollar bill. Infection with the virus lasts anywhere from 60 seconds to eternity, but it has a mortality rate of zero. No writers have died directly from the Vanity Virus, but some have via indirect causes after going broke and starving to death. One writer in Zimbabwe was forced to auction off himself, his entire tribe, and their tribal dwelling to stay alive; the lot was purchased by Exxon Mobil for 50 cents.
A mutant strand of the Vanity Virus causes rampant stupidity in afflicted writers. Carriers of the virus can easily be identified by the fact that they are idiots. Do not attempt to subdue a blatantly stupefied writer; they are highly dangerous and may bite or scratch. Leave it to your local law enforcement to collar and/or shoot the victim. These writers enjoy making pointless redirects and stupid edits, and generally vandalizing/page blanking a mysterious website known only as Uncyclopedia. It is believed that Uncyclopedia can transmit this disease via the ocular receptors; reading stupidity will infect the reader if he/she is a writer.
The CDC issued a statement describing the virus as 'highly contagious from writer to writer' and 'epidemic material'. That said, YOU must help prevent an outbreak of this potentially financially devastating disease. You can help by knocking some sense into infected writers, or decapitating and burning the corpses of hopelessly affected victims. Always wear gloves and a haz-mat suit when handling dead writers.
Some people believe this was created by vanity publishers themselves to make money. PublishAmerica profits heavily from the Vanity Virus.
The UnHealth Report