UnNews:Our newest political-lobbyist is a primitive sea sponge

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Our newest political-lobbyist is a primitive sea sponge

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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10 February 2012


The 47-year-old sponge shown here is from the most current variety of manipulative human

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Scientists & TSA agents believe they have discovered our newest known ancestor to lobbyists currently in Washington. No, not the greatest — nor even possibly the latest human type of brain to have ever lived on planet Earth, a 47-year-old sea sponge, nick named Bob, in honor of late war comedian Bob Hope.

The 47-year-old sponge shown here is a repugnant variety of the most current known meddling humans to date. It was just one of thousands of fresh living fossils of its type found in greedy human heads being examined by TSA agents, paleontologists, and conspiracy theorists in the Capitol.

Classified as Politico-cerebrum, the specimen is surprisingly similar to other sponges dated as far back as 650-million-years-old. Politico-cerebrum is believed to live in shallow minds, feeding off speculation, folly, tax dollars and diabolical planning. That fact[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] leads critics to believe that Politico-cerebrum, or Sponge Bob as he is known to political scientists, was strong enough to survive super ice ages that occasionally turned the Earth into a giant snowball.

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