UnNews:Our Great Leader Kim Jong-un brings even more prosperity to us glorious North Koreans
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Our Great Leader Kim Jong-un brings even more prosperity to us glorious North Koreans
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 28, 2016, 17:27:UTC)(
24 April 2012
PyongYang, North Korea -- Respected comrade Kim Jong-un has been Commander in Chief for a mere three months, succeeding his most gracious father Kim Jong-il, and already the living conditions of our people have been going up tremendously under his rule of clarity, as if we could possibly be asking for any improvement to our idyllic lives. Comrade Kim is investing the Republic's resources in a manner that is most wise, and the statistics released by the Ministry of Propaganda are there to prove it: the number of ballistic missiles which exploded in midair grew tenfold, the new 24 carat golden roof of the Parliament is shining in the firmament, while the opportunity for us common people to witness the might of our military thanks to spectacular parades increased dramatically.
The manner in which Kim Jong-un works relentlessly so we are able to live in incredible abundance is admirable. The people of the world should follow his much needed advice, since it seems their societies are condemned to failure. At this very moment, the majority of Americans are scavenging for food in the streets, eating rats and trash. Their Canadian counterparts, weakened by the leper and the scurvy, have resorted to the means of sustenance of their ancestors and are eating wood. In Europe, since there are no forests anymore and all the garbage has been ingested, cannibalism is common. Don't they understand that our glorious system is the only one that works? Aren't you glad to be under the protective wing of Comrade Kim Jong-un, or would you rather live in caves like the Australians, eating snakes and scorpions?
In other news, the unexpected mass fainting that occurred on Wednesday's military parade happened since soldiers were overly excited to have the awesome opportunity to perform in front of our great leader, said the government pathologists. Those brave souls didn't die of starvation, as was ridiculously rumored by some traitors from evil newspapers. They died as a result of the tanks running over them in the parade, period. Emotional fainting or not, the show must go on. The mere thought that a single soul could suffer from a lack of food or persecution in our land is heresy and as such, the people who started these rumors were shot yesterday during a beautiful and touching ceremony.
This morning, after solving the crucial problem of famine and overpopulation in the Hinghou province (invite every citizen to a huge tent for an announced banquet, then set the place ablaze), our athletic chief decided to hit the road with his bicycle in order to slightly decrease the odds of him dying from a blood clot in the next few years. Being helped off his bike after fifteen minutes of vigorous efforts, he informed his generals that he wished to have the last report from the Ministry of Moon Exploration on his desk by 6 o'clock so he can throw it in the trash can at 6:01 and could they please grab five Big Macs with two large fries at his exclusive McDonald's while they're at it.
His excellency then spent the evening conducting calculations and devising theories far too complicated for us mere mortals to comprehend, but we can stay assured that it was for the benefit of us all. Our benevolent leader spends so much time solving our problems and sacrifices himself to such a great extent, let's all unite in prayers as we wish his arteries don't clog like a toilet pipe in the near future.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|