UnNews:Osteoporosis Saves Woman's Life
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Osteoporosis Saves Woman's Life
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 18:58:UTC)(
23 December 2011
Memphis, Tennessee - While walking to the local flea market to look for some last-minute Christmas gifts, Julia Filburn, 47, of Memphis, narrowly escaped death, only surviving due to an early onset of osteoporosis. As she was walking past a construction site where a truck was unloading oxygen tanks used for welding, one of the tanks fell over, knocking off the top valve of the tank. According to witnesses, the tank started to fly around like a huge steel balloon. The tank flew across the construction site, and narrowly missed Ms. Filburn as it passed only inches above her hunched back. A few heart-stopping seconds later, the tank became wedged under a 1978 Chevrolet Impala that had been converted into a lowrider where it spent the remainder of its oxygen.
"We really dodged a bullet this time," said Carlos Tingney, foreman of the site. "We were really lucky that the oxygen tank didn't damage anything of value."
"I jus' got back from my doctor last week," Filburn stated, "an' he told me that this crick in my back was caused by all the caffeine in the green tea and energy drinks I been drinkin'. He says that this hunch is only gonna get worse if I keep drinkin' them an' that I got to stop. Well, I'll tell ya, this here hunch done saved my life today, an' I'm gonna keep on drinking them as much as I please. If I would'a been standing up straight, that tank would'a took my head clean off, I tell ya. Now if you'll excuse me, I still got to get back to the flea market to buy that present."
A spokesman for Red Bull was pleased when he learned of the incident. "This is just another example of the tremendous benefit our product gives to it's drinkers," he stated.
Makers of green tea and other energy drinks were reported to be similarly pleased.