UnNews:Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden selected as new Grim Reaper

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3 July 2009

Death becomes Malden

Donald Trump, sitting with his Grim Reaper choice, and favorite actor, Karl Malden.

LOS ANGELES, California -- After an endless string of shocking celebrity deaths and celebrity death internet hoaxes drove Grimace Yancy "Grim" Reaper to suicide in the past week or so, DeathCo, Inc. CEO Donald Trump has finally chosen somebody to take the reigns of the Grim Reaper.

"Ever since I saw this man in A Streetcar Named Desire back when I was five," Trump said, "I always said to myself, 'I would love to do business with my all-time favorite actor, Academy Award winner Karl Malden."

Malden won an Academy Award for his role as Harold "Mitch" Mitchell in the 1951 film based on the Tennessee Williams play, and has gone on to play in films as varied as Guess Who's Coming to Lunch?, To Mock a Killing Bird, On the Waterfront, Smoke on the Waterfront, Batman & Robin, Ruby Gentry, Elmer Gantry, Barney's Great Adventure, One-Eyed Jacks, Deep Throat, Birdman of Alcatraz, and Debbie Does Dallas.

"This guy can play in anything," says Trump, "One of cinema's most crowned jewels. The guy's 97, so I thought he might as well play Death before he succumbs to it. Then again, nobody can die until a Grim Reaper is chosen."

Malden says he had "never even heard of this Trump guy" when approached wth the job offer, "but he pays big. He pays more than SAG [Screen Actor's Guild] ever will."

Trump admits that he "did have a lot of favorites. I considered Sumner Redstone for a while, but thought he had enough money. Next, I tried in vain to contact OJ, but he's in jail. I was in a bind, I was pressed for time, so finally, I said to myself, 'This may be my last chance to work with Karl Malden while he's still alive.' And here we are today."

Malden will be payed $60,000 a year to take souls. "Sure beats that Sting II horseshit by a longshot!" he jokes. He takes office Monday.

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