UnNews:Osborne announces budget

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Osborne announces budget

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8 July 2015


Don't like my budget? I have the button to grandma's life support machine in here. It's very sensitive to sudden impacts with the floor.

WESTMINSTER, United Kingdom -- The Chancellor of the Exchequer proposed budget cuts today — in a building standing on its last legs as a result of past budget cuts. As the Palace of Westminster's walls slowly caved inwards and the roof crept a few millimetres further towards the floor, George Osborne talked the House of Commons through a list of welfare cuts and outlined the most "regrettable but necessary" cut of all, a 18% corporation tax cut.

Osborne proposed a new national living wage to replace the minimum wage, so that the word "minimum" would no longer spoil the fact that it is still technically possible to afford to breathe on the lowest salary.

However, Osborne surprised onlookers by proposing that this would rise from £6.50 an hour to £9 an hour by 2020 — this compared to Labour's election pledge to raise the minimum wage to £8 an hour by 2020 during the last election. Many in the audience gasped, "Did Osborne just out-Labour Labour?" The snag is that the national living wage will only apply to over-25s. Under-25s will only be entitled to a bucket of water and two cups of cold stew per day.

Osborne also announced a reform of the non-dom tax status and a freeze of fuel duties for the remainder of the year. Gasps became whimpers as Labour MPs realised they had no remaining policies actually distinct from the Conservatives. Acting Labour Leader Harriet Harman said the budget "made Labour policymakers worse off" and that Labour would be putting together another anti-austerity march in London later this year, once they'd taken action with their EU party to force Greece to come to a deal that will favour German banks.

The budget comes amidst the economic difficulties of the 21st Century, following on from the economic difficulties of the 20th Century, which extend back every century to a time before currency or the concept of centuries. This has caused a deep political division in European politics. The right emphasise the policies of giving tax breaks to corporations and increasing the military budget, in order to cut government spending and increase its revenues, whilst the left insist that mathematics can be overcome by popular referendums, and wise old politicians wearing miners' caps.

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