UnNews:Osama bin Laden to release next video exclusively on Blu-ray DVD
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Osama bin Laden to release next video exclusively on Blu-ray DVD
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 24, 2016, 23:43:UTC)(
11 September 2007
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan -- Sony's Blu-ray Disc scored a point today as Al Qaida's media arm announced that Osama bin Laden's next video will be released exclusively in that format. The terrorist mastermind opted for Blu-Ray over the competing HD DVD technology, a posting on an extremist website claimed.
The next video is due out later today, on the sixth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, and only days after bin Laden's latest rambling monologue was broadcast. Previous releases by the Al Qaida leadership have been audio-only, or at best on VHS or standard DVDs. The move to high definition promises to usher in a new era for terrorist propaganda. "All the fine details of our leader's newly black-colored beard will be clearly visible," boasted an Al Qaida website.
The United States immediately condemned this latest move by bin Laden, and the White House announced all of its official video releases will be in the competing HD-DVD format. President Bush himself went as far as to declare that "our administration will only support American technology," despite the fact that both Blu-ray and HD-DVDs were developed by Japanese companies.
Sony, the company that developed Blu-ray DVDs, had a mixed reaction to bin Laden's announcement. The firm doesn't want to be associated with terrorism, but a spokesperson acknowledged that they "hope this publicity will help increase our lackluster Playstation 3 sales." Sony fervently denies rumors that it made a $100,000 incentive payment to the terrorist organization and maintains photos of chairman Howard Stringer rubbing elbows with Bin Laden at a Tokyo nightclub are faked. Consumers though were skeptical, with shopper Joe Schmoe commenting, "I'm just gonna watch the video on Al Jazeera - who cares if I don't see bin Laden's lush eyebrows in their full high definition glory."
Asked what the Al Qaida leader will talk about in his new video, a Taliban spokesman was vague, replying only that "the message will largely be similar to his old rants - you know, death to the infidels, convert to Islam, yada, yada, yada. What's most important is that viewers will be able to see bin Laden's facial expression in crystal-clear Blu-ray DVD format." He went on to add that Al Qaida is "just beginning" its foray into modern video technology, with the next project set to be filmed in IMAX. "It will feature panoramic vistas of the beautiful Waziristan region of Pakistan," excitedly concluded the spokesman.
- Bin Laden teaches how to dye your beard.
- Music Video: 9/11 the music!
- Director and cast commentary featuring Bin Laden, Masked Man 1, Masked Man 31 and Hooded Man 11.
- Bonus short film about Saddam's hanging!
- Alternate endings and bloopers.
- And many more...