UnNews:Osama bin Laden teams with Universal Studios for Terror Stunt Spectacular!
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Osama bin Laden teams with Universal Studios for Terror Stunt Spectacular!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 08:35:UTC)(
5 July 2007
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ORLANDO, Florida, Americaland -- Osama bin Laden, international terror superstar and mastermind 'far' behind blockbusters such as World Trade Center and Fahrenheit 9/11 excited the world yesterday with news of a groundbreaking new partnership forged with Universal Studios Orlando. In a video press release, filmed less than a week ago in one of his lavish underground bunkers, bin Laden outlined details for Terror Stunt Spectacular!, a heart-pounding, infidel-eradicating themed land planned for Universal's Islands of Adventure® park. In addition to the fast-paced main feature (a Cirque du Soleil-like stage show), 40 acres surrounding the main hall will be redesigned in association with the attraction. According to the press release, Osama has high hopes for the project: "If all goes well, it'll really get the BLOOD FLOWING, Ha HA!!" he jests.
Uncyclopedia spoke to Ron Meyer, President of Universal Studios, about the landmark partnership (the first collaboration between terrorism and family amusement since Disney's short-lived Olympics '72 rollercoaster). In Meyer's own words: "Okay, I know what you're thinking, but just hear me out..." Meyer unveils a large poster with a picture of a woman in a sequent leotard, standing atop a horse. The woman, smiling wide, is holding a lit explosive. "He's not going the traditional route on this one!" Meyer continues.
Indeed, Osama's personal designs for the area are not the desolate land mine-ridden war zone one might expect of the Godfather of Modern Terror. In fact, they're actually anything but: water fountains line the streets. Vibrant, ney, flamboyant colors adorn the walls of nearly every structure. Showtunes are omnipresent. "He's really doing something over-the-top this time!" exclaims President Meyer.
Osama went into detail about the designs during his videoed message: "The idea is to get people into the park, right? So instead of being a meanie, I thought to myself 'Osama, what kind of amusement park would you visit if you were a filthy American pigslop?' I did some researching on our brand new Apple II computer, and came to one conclusion: Everybody doesn't like something, but nobody doesn't like Busby Berkley!"
Bright lights, clowns, acrobats: bin Laden's terror spectacular spares no expense. In the main tent, motorbikes jump multiple school buses in death-defying displays of bravery. Butterscotch flows in trickling waterfalls, and bushes of cotton candy are always within arms grasp. Indeed, it seems like the fantasy world of children everywhere. And, in fact, that is the genius of Osama's design; "It'll be the dream come true of every infidel from 9 to 90! They'll flock to my park by the plane-load!" boasts the proud King of Fundamentalism. "Then, of course, we kill each and every last one of them!!"
Terror Stunt Spectacular! and it's surrounding theme land are slated to open Summer, 2007. Devastating attacks against Walt Disney World, Sea World, and of course Holy Land, are being planned in conjunction.
- Schimmelfinney, Ned "Osama opens theme park for "both young and young at heart"". ABC News, July 4, 2007