UnNews:Osama bin Laden found alive, living under Miley Cyrus's refrigerator
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Osama bin Laden found alive, living under Miley Cyrus's refrigerator
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 02:19:UTC)(
1 August 2011
Los Angeles, California -- Osama bin Laden, genius perpetrator of the September 11 attacks and ex-leader of terrorist association Al-Qaeda, was found alive today. After being thought dead after being shot by U.S. Military and chucked into the ocean, he was found alive and healthy yesterday evening, living under pop star with an alter ego Miley Cyrus's refrigerator. "You guys chucked my pet llama, Cheesepuff into the ocean suckers!" bin Laden reports in his strange accent. Charges have been pressed against Miley Cyrus for hosting a criminal. "Oh, THAT'S why my fridge smelled like old poo!" Miley recounts. Osama has said during the months he was under the cooling system he wasted time twiddling his thumbs, chewing checker pieces, and raping Cyrus's pet hamster, Squeaky. In an interview with the rodents, scientists say he said "Squeak squeak shut up squeak."
Miley Cyrus claims to have not known about bin Laden taking hostage under her fridge which Casey Anthony calls, "A phony lie, 'cause I'd know what [that] is." The FBI has pressed charges against Cheeseball, bin Laden's llama for imitating a human. Investigations have so far been fruitless, due to the fact that the llama is dead at the bottom of the ocean. Jury selection is due to start next yesterday. Charges have also been filed against the Beatles for liking pie.
Osama bin Laden has filed charges against Ayman al-Zawahiri, who took bin Laden's throne after his llama's death. Osama bin Laden has hired Lady Gaga as his lawyer. When questioned, Ms. Gaga replied, "Jeez, leave me alone, I'm not prosecuting some idiot." UnNews questioned Ayman al-Zawahiri as well, who replied, "Oh, do you have a ham and cheese sandwich?"
President Obama says "Aw, man, I though we killed him! Eh, whatevs." More details will be released shortly, even though no one actually cares.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|